Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 777

I have a high state of resentment for the conformity in this country. If you`re not married and having children, it`s like your life is empty or you`re a communist meanie.

I haven't been that uncomfortable since I was 13 and my Rabbi tickled my lower back with his beard.

If the veins in the back of your legs look like the street map of greater Pittsburgh, you ain't nobody's "babydoll".

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

She was hostile. You don't have an orgasm and say to your lover, 'Take that!'

When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.

I don't know that I would need to be famous as a Middle East policy expert to see that unilateral imperialism is bad policy.

When people pay to see you live, they connect with you on a much deeper level than people who just buy your records.

I'm a lucky bastard. You know it and I know it.

When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.

People do what they do to each other and they feed on it.

It’s too much trouble to get laid. ‘Cause you have to go out with a guy, go to dinner with him and listen to him talk about his opinions. And I don’t have that kind of time.

Let me tell you what really happened... Every night before I go to bed, I have milk and cookies. One night I mixed some low-fat milk and some pasteurized, then I dipped my cookie in and the shit blew up.

That show 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' has been getting a lot of ratings. People love that show. That's a great idea for a show. You get four gay guys that try to make a straight guy gayer. That's a good idea for a show. We used to just call that Boy Scout camp.

I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.