Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 777
I thought it would be way more interesting to show the drunk people, the hecklers.
I fall in love so fast. I come back after the first date, I tell my friends, 'She's unbelievable!' And they say, 'What did she do?' 'I don't know. I think she's a mammal.'
A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.
But the only ramifications were, like, the kind of bigoted right-wing assault and pretend anger, partisan anger, that came from some right-wing radio people or the pretend anger from guys like Scarborough and nonsense like that.
The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas - where it's a beautiful theater - is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.
On the show, I do a very serious thing. And a lot of people have a hard time reconciling that with what I'm going to do after the show. They can't get it into their heads: "How can he be talking to Madeleine Albright one minute and then somebody half his age...." They're just jealous. But I never made any bones about it. I am a player. Always have been.
When people pay to see you live, they connect with you on a much deeper level than people who just buy your records.
The way the people around you position themselves around you to get in your pockets and in your mind is infuriating to me.
There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it’s hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.
Rip Van Winkle, who said, "Don't make the bed; I'm just going to the bathroom." Never got a dinner!
A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.
I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening - or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . But never at dusk! Never at dusk, I would never do that.