Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 778
I try to avoid people's eyes because I don't like to get that intimate with just anybody. i don't need the responsibility.
On one side you have book burners, Congressional wives and Pat Robertson. On the other side, you have vulgar comedians, foul-mouthed rap groups and Dennis Hopper - all your choices should be so easy.
Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?
I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.
For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!
I have New Age friends who gave their little girl a toolbox of plastic tools. They were horrified later that night when they came into her room and found out she was putting the hammer to bed.
When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases.
It goes Christmas,New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day. Is that fair to anyone who’s alone? Those are all days you got to be with someone. And if you didn’t get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Year’s - boom - there’s Valentine’s Day for you. I think there should be just one more holiday after Valentine’s Day for the stragglers. And it should be called, “Who Could Love You?”
School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other… but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.
Fang is so dumb. When he won his letter for high school the coach had to read it to him.
The best part of being married is... you don't have to explain a lot of things. Those wordless moments when you both know that what you witnessed together is funny, idiotic, or really sweet. Being connected is pretty miraculous.
If you want to know why I’m here and what I want from you I can only assure you this: you have already given it to me. Your presence was what I wanted. Sanity will always be and has always been in the eye of the beholder. To see you here today and the kind of people that you are has restored mine. Thank you.
No matter what you’re doing in life, listen. Listen, wait, process it, then you open your mouth. Gather the information and then you reply. Anything else, you’re bound to fail. Anything you do, do it like that. When you don’t know how to deal with your lady, take an improv class. You can improv on her birthday. You can improv on your anniversary. You can improv in the bedroom. Can you imagine the skills you would have with your lady if you just listened better? Improv opens doors to everything. It’ll keep you from getting fired. It’ll keep you from getting a ticket. It’ll get you a nice time with your lady. Before you open your mouth, make sure you’ve listened. You can have anything you want in life.