Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 778

I don't want to go through life as a Wonder Wheel murderer!

If you think the last four words to the national anthem are "gentleman, start your engines", you might be a redneck.

I can never do nothing in this house!

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

We're the greatest country on Earth except when it comes to getting shit done.

Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.

Have you ever wanted to rape a clown, so you follow him into his car, and you end up having to rape, like, forty clowns?

For some reason "cowboy" sounds better than "cowman".

I never realized I could love people as much as I do now.

Two guys are talking and one says to the other: 'What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?' The other one says: 'I'd shag everything that moved. What would you do?' And he says: 'I'd stand perfectly still.'

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

I love comedy and I would write things to myself as an exercise in writing. I didn't do well for years, and I quit. I started to break down why I was afraid and started to look at people I admired, like Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Freddie Prinze, George Carlin and all.

I know that can hit close to home for some people....was anyone here aborted?... 'I was found in a trash can!' Okay, well, that sorta counts...

If you're saying what are penguins like, they're a bit persnickety, I'll say that... Um, thank you, I have a thesaurus in my house.

Hermits have no peer pressure.