Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 776
I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you're playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you're single, you're just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.
I don't know what I think of George W. Bush when he first got in, but I've grown fond of the man, and maybe it's the times we live in. They say he's not an environmentalist. But every time I see his ranch on TV, it looks pretty nice. You know something, if we all took care of our own, we'd have a great environment.
I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32,000.
When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.
It`s the prettiest place on the planet. My childhood was like a dream. It`s like the last Mayberry.
If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.
Your love is one in a million, You couldn’t buy it at any price. But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other possible loves statistically, some of them would be equally nice.
Isn't it a little ironic here? We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn't that a little backwards?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes... why can't they make the whole plane out of the same material?