Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 776
Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.
Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
One of these days I'm going to bite you and I'm gonna get very, very sick.
I think it’s a tad bit hypocritical of black people to have names that you can’t call us anymore but we still have in the organizations that represent us. The United Negro College Fund. Oh, you can’t call us a negro, but we will accept your donation.
On Hulk Hogan: “You’re an old man who dresses like a Hooter’s waitress.”
Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
I think anybody who wants to be president has to be a politician, but I would like to find somebody who's coming from a loving place instead of a political place.
I think people, for the most part, actually want what they think is best.
Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.
Two guys are talking and one says to the other: 'What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?' The other one says: 'I'd shag everything that moved. What would you do?' And he says: 'I'd stand perfectly still.'
Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.
You ever notice the first thing someone says when they can't find something is that it was stolen? They say "who stole it?!". It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something.