Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 783

The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you're playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you're single, you're just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.

I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.

Some people rely on rumors and gossip because they are devoid of any original thought.

You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.

You also notice that the right side of your face feels like it's sliding off of your skull. And your bottom lip is in your lap!

If old people are so wise, how come they are always getting fucked by telemarketing fraud?

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

In Mexico we have a word for sushi.

If you think the last four words to the national anthem are "gentleman, start your engines", you might be a redneck.

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.

I think it would be a fatal mistake to use my show as a platform for controversial issues. I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

I don't trust vitamins. I saw one today for loss of hair and esteem.

New book on Malcolm X says we don’t know how he was killed. Want to bring in the FBI. Maybe they were in already.