Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 783
When my friends and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.
Whenever you go out [to eat] you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."
It's 113 degrees in Phoenix! Damn!!! I'm not as hot as I thought I was!
You don't have to have 14 committees and studios weighing in. Its really just you.
Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going.
Let me tell you what really happened... Every night before I go to bed, I have milk and cookies. One night I mixed some low-fat milk and some pasteurized, then I dipped my cookie in and the shit blew up.
I can't just say the words, do a lot of one-liners. I love each person I play; I have to be that person. I have to do him true.
I'm from a little place called England ... We used to run the world before you.
No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.
According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.
Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
"Go have boys' night out" really means "I'll stay home and touch my clit."