Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 783
There was a girl who was cooking a cake for her family for the first time and the directions said "Grease the bottom of the pan." So, she greased the bottom of the pan... You think there was a house fire? Here's your sign!
I’m on that diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That’s a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver’s license.
No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.
You’re an idiot. What you think an African family wakes up and there’s a little goat with a ribbon tied round it? And they go, ‘Oh look what Santa brought us!
I wish I was a book. She could pick me up, flip through my pages. Make sure nobody drew wieners in me.
Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.
I remember one date I had, we ran into some guy she knew and she introduced us. She said, 'Steve, this is Rodney. Rodney, this is goodbye.'
"Go have boys' night out" really means "I'll stay home and touch my clit."
It’s gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
All the proper bands from then, when we were kids, yeah? The Rubettes and Mud and Chicory Tip. Yeah. Not like the bands they have now, stupid, modern bands all made out of wire and electricity. The proper old bands. You'd buy the singles, wouldn't you? The old singles they used to have in the old days. The proper ones. Very nostalgic feelings towards Woolworths. The pick 'n' mix. Remember the pick 'n' mix in Woolworths? All the sweets individually wrapped. Proper, old-fashioned sweets, yeah? Not like the sweets they have now, all with knives in them and AIDS
Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?