Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 783
You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.
For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!
At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!
It’s way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest most deeply felt hatred in the world.
My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.
I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?
If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?
Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don’t clap, this is a flaw in the system!
My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.