Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 784

I wouldn't want that man as my psychologist.

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

I have been the guy who has everything but yet is so one-track minded about what I want, that I can't see my blessings.

Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It’s not going to go bad again.

Struggling is hard because you never know what's at the end of the tunnel.

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

My dad's third heart attack, he'd gotten so good at them, he decided to drive himself to the hospital because 'They won't let me smoke in the ambulance!' and 'You can't make a burger run.'

It’s all fun and games until someone gets a boner.

Because I was surrounded by so much negativity at some point that it took me going back and doing stand-up to realize, you know, people really like me.

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

Noah’s wife, who said to Noah, "Don't let the elephants watch the rabbits." Never got a dinner!

I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

People don't get me. I'm not miserable or depressed, I'm just anxious and occasionally agitated.

Anything that has cynicism to it and that's jaded is smutty.