Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 784
What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her "to get kitchen scissors?"
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
It was so hot today I went to a cash point machine just to enjoy the feel of a cold gun against the back of my neck.
If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too.
I saw hamlet at the Globe Theater. Notice I didn't say I heard it. Some asshole with a whooping cough was right behind me. Hey lung chunks, if you're sick, stay the fuck home!
Whenever we go out, I pay all the tolls. Yeah - he backs up to the tolls so the booth would be on my side.
I don't trust vitamins. I saw one today for loss of hair and esteem.
On Hulk Hogan: “You’re an old man who dresses like a Hooter’s waitress.”
Bill Murray I always liked. I'm not as good as him, but there's a quality in him that I like. And then there's DeNiro, I'll never be that.
How come Mom is crazy and I'm not? Well, it's possible my mom could stand up in front of this many people and talk about all the crap in her life and those people could have sat around and laughed with her, it would've meant nothing and she could have moved on cool. It's also possible she could have taken out the whole front row with a large-caliber weapon.
It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.
If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.