Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 782

I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.

This isn’t a bra, it’s body armor. And this isn’t make up, it’s war paint.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

How the hell do you wake up dead?

I will be looking at an Armani shirt or a high end designer and flip the tag and I see made in India, I'm stuck with a real dilemma. I'm like 'Shit, do i buy this shirt or do I call my uncle. I wonder if he knows where this factory is.'

There have been two different drafts of the script. The hard part about following it up is at the end of the first one, he revealed his identity to his kids. How do you play that out? How does she come back? One of the ideas was that he'd go to New York because his daughter was going to college and he'd be nearby. But as a script, it never worked.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.

Anything that has cynicism to it and that's jaded is smutty.

I like the energy of live performance.

There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled.

I've hung out in the writer's room a few times, but the fact is we've got such a good writing staff, I don't want to get my peanut butter fingerprints on anything.

Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.