Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 782
Honestly, the real reason i shave it down there is to make my dick look bigger, thats why. You mow the lawn the yard looks bigger.
My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.
No no no! Don't clap! No no no, you make me seem like I'm like a prophet or something and I'm so not!
Sometimes you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.
The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas - where it's a beautiful theater - is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.
The welfare of our children is our main concern and their best interests are our first priority.
The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s … well, it wouldn't have happened to Jews.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?
If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.
And in the back, behind there, not giving a damn … and all the bright colours and stuff just drops off when you get to this section. White wrap-up, big red letters; LARD! Eat this shit and die! LARD! Kills you stone dead! Does blood move through your arteries? Block it up with LARD! Nutritional advice? No! Proteins? What the hell are they? Carbohydrates? Never heard of them, Guv! Fat? You bet your bum! We've got some some of that, yes sirree Bob! Oh, we're full of that, mate … Remember that campaign for butter, "Welcome back to butter"? "Welcome back to LARD!" We never went nowhere! Just been sitting at the back, quietly waiting … like Jack Nicholson …
“My dad, kind of bloke could read out a telephone directory and It’d be funny…to be fair, he used to do it with his cock out.”