Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 782
I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.
I don’t believe in burning holy books, but I am organizing a protest. I’ll be burning all my Dennis Miller VHS cassettes as a special protest. I don’t want to hear the introduction ‘you may have seen our next comedian on the Hannity show’.
If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categorize them, combining them alongside existing ideas, and eventually put a piece together.
When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.
How about you go over and introduce yourself, build me up, that way I don't have to brag about myself later.
Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It’s not going to go bad again.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.
The media put that in our heads too. They made us insecure about our penises too. You watch a porno nowadays, you see these guys with these giant hogs on them, fucking Chernobyl waste nuclear reactor dicks on them. You watch that and you go "*sad tone* oh my god, im never gonna have a dick like that" You are not SUPPOSED to have a dick like that. Animals should not have dicks like that.
People who say things like "My eyes aren't what they used to be." So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.