Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 785

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

I wouldn't want that man as my psychologist.

Why are a "wise man" and a "wiseguy" opposites?

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

How do you write zero in Roman Numerals?

I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.

My friend says "touche" way too much. He's a touche bag.

God just seems very man-made to me. There are so many theories, and not everyone can be right. It's human nature to need a religious crutch, and I don't begrudge anyone that. I just don't need one.

No no no! Don't clap! No no no, you make me seem like I'm like a prophet or something and I'm so not!

The legendary Dick Van Dyke on the show tonight. The actor not the pubic beard style. Although... maybe it's time for something new.

When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

Whenever you go out [to eat] you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."

On one side you have book burners, Congressional wives and Pat Robertson. On the other side, you have vulgar comedians, foul-mouthed rap groups and Dennis Hopper - all your choices should be so easy.