Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 785

Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

I go - that's a nice tie. That's right, Davie. Ralph Lauren regularly $80. A little tomato stain, you can barely see it, 4 bucks! Sweet.

Our flaws are what makes us human. If we can accept them as part of who we are, they really don't even have to be an issue.

I don't have a show anymore. I don't have a check coming in every week. This is important to me, I got to score a million tonight or it could all be over.

You know what they say, when one door closes, another Belvedere opens.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.

The heart wants what it wants.

I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you.

You have no control over your cat! You can't say to your cat, "Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!" 'Cause the cat's just gonna be sitting there going, "Interesting words … have you finished?" While you're shouting all this to your cat, your dog's next to you, going … "What the hell are you doing? I'm talking to the cat!" "Oh, I'm sorry!"