Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 785
When people pay to see you live, they connect with you on a much deeper level than people who just buy your records.
If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.
I think all gay guys should get married. I think they should have to get married. They should have to adopt kids because, actually, I'm getting tired of their happy-go-lucky lifestyle. I've had it with them being all happy and in shape. I could look good in denim short shorts and combat boots, too, if I had all day to do leg presses at the gym.
And in the back, behind there, not giving a damn … and all the bright colours and stuff just drops off when you get to this section. White wrap-up, big red letters; LARD! Eat this shit and die! LARD! Kills you stone dead! Does blood move through your arteries? Block it up with LARD! Nutritional advice? No! Proteins? What the hell are they? Carbohydrates? Never heard of them, Guv! Fat? You bet your bum! We've got some some of that, yes sirree Bob! Oh, we're full of that, mate … Remember that campaign for butter, "Welcome back to butter"? "Welcome back to LARD!" We never went nowhere! Just been sitting at the back, quietly waiting … like Jack Nicholson …
There was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.
A new child in the house is a huge tourist attraction. It's like Disneyland, except there the lines are longer and no one brings casseroles.
I don’t have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
Fear of intimacy thankfully keeps me from getting close to myself.
I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.