Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 786
It's 113 degrees in Phoenix! Damn!!! I'm not as hot as I thought I was!
You don't have to have 14 committees and studios weighing in. Its really just you.
"This is your brain." I've seen a lot of weird shit on drugs. I have never ever ever ever EVER looked at a fucking egg and thought it was a brain.
Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going.
I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery!
Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.
You’re an idiot. What you think an African family wakes up and there’s a little goat with a ribbon tied round it? And they go, ‘Oh look what Santa brought us!
According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.
He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.
I don't have the time to steal other people's material even if I wanted to. The reason why these rumors got started is that I don't really contest them because I don't believe they deserve contesting. I really don't.
Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.
"Go have boys' night out" really means "I'll stay home and touch my clit."
All these teenagers tell us how much they want to grow up and then when they do they want to be young again.