Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 786
Hey man. It's me again. I was just taking a whizz. Thought you might have called. Okay, later.
It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.
It was June 4, 1979, the first time I went on stage. I didn't know I could do it but I knew I couldn't not do it. I quit everything in my life and this was the one thing I couldn't quit.
It's just easier to make fun and cut down. It's kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you're going to say, it can be cruel and funny.
If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
I got tits now, too. I just got tits! That is a fucked up day in a man's life, when you look in the mirror and you realize, "Fuck! I got..." Because you don't see them coming, they're sort of pouting out little by little, and then one day they just fuckin' fall a little and that's it, you have tits. And they're there for good. They're not gonna like go back, it's fucking over.
Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
I know that can hit close to home for some people....was anyone here aborted?... 'I was found in a trash can!' Okay, well, that sorta counts...
It's always great to get word that you've been picked up for another season, ... We're really hitting our stride and have great story lines already mapped out for next year.