Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 787

I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

Holy shit, Gilbert! You look like you smell like pee.

Hey man. It's me again. I was just taking a whizz. Thought you might have called. Okay, later.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

As long as your abuser has you scared, you will stay in the cycle of abuse. Thinking of solutions helps you to escape.

Can I talk to you guys now about some of the differences between men and women? Great. Chicks cry when you punch ‘em.

Cornbread isn't bread. It's cake.

She’s 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? “SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!”, what do you want a shredder for? “IDENTITY THEFT!!”.

Plenty of crazy people in New York. There are so many crazy people here, I think it's like one out of every one person is completely out of their mind.

I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he's very clever. He said, 'You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.' And I'm going to.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

A lot of the rap shows I saw as a kid were boring, but if you went to a Rage show or a Justice show, the kids were losing their minds.

The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing for 11 years as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.