Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 787
This one goes out to the younger ones out there. If your mother still drives you to school, you ain't no "gangsta", pull your pants up! Your back pockets should not be behind your knees!
I fall in love so fast. I come back after the first date, I tell my friends, 'She's unbelievable!' And they say, 'What did she do?' 'I don't know. I think she's a mammal.'
My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.
I have been the guy who has everything but yet is so one-track minded about what I want, that I can't see my blessings.
Because I was surrounded by so much negativity at some point that it took me going back and doing stand-up to realize, you know, people really like me.
I like Jesus, I just felt sorry for his Disciples. Those guys had the roughest job in the world cause they could never call in sick. They could never go "Shhh shhh, yeah I know, I'll talk to him, it'll be alright..." [ring, ring... Jesus picks up] "[coughing...] Yeah listen Jesus. Yeah listen four or five of us went fishing last night and we forgot our sweaters. Yeah we're coming down with a cold or something. Yeah we're not going to be able to walk to Jerusalem with you today... What? What we're healed? But you're not here, ohh you don't have to be here you can say the word and we're healed? I didn't know that. Yeah every body is up. Yeah be good OK. We'll see you in about ten minutes alright. OK thank you, alright so long. Come on guy let go... we're healed."
Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
Noah’s wife, who said to Noah, "Don't let the elephants watch the rabbits." Never got a dinner!
I felt in a lot of instances I was deliberately being put through stress because when you're a guy who generates money, people have a vested interested in controlling you.
People don't get me. I'm not miserable or depressed, I'm just anxious and occasionally agitated.
Comedians work great as actors because they're good under pressure. With a lot of actors, you have to make them feel like everything's going really well to get a good performance out of them. But, if you have a comedian on the set, you can tell them, 'Hey, you really are screwing this up,' and then they just get better.