Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 787
Whenever we go out, I pay all the tolls. Yeah - he backs up to the tolls so the booth would be on my side.
I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there’s nothing you can do about it.
This is how dumb the real estate agents are in New Jersey. They put their headshots and their advertisements on city benches. You know who sleeps on city benches? Homeless people. Why don’t you just put a picture of a four course meal next to it. “Here’s two things you’ll never own.”
New book on Malcolm X says we don’t know how he was killed. Want to bring in the FBI. Maybe they were in already.
YouTube is a place for people to share their ideas. If by people you mean 13 year old girls and by ideas you mean how they love the Jonas Brothers.
I led such a sheltered life I didn't go out with girls until I was almost four.
The motto of my comedy workshop: “If I can’t make you funny, maybe you’re not. Ever think of that?”
I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don't rush into adulthood, it isn't all that much fun.
It was June 4, 1979, the first time I went on stage. I didn't know I could do it but I knew I couldn't not do it. I quit everything in my life and this was the one thing I couldn't quit.
We had problems like all families but we had a lot of love. I was extremely loved. We always felt we had each other.
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.