Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 788

People do what they do to each other and they feed on it.

Everyone has these two visions when they hold their child for the first time. The first is your child as an adult saying "I want to thank the Nobel Committee for this award." The other is "You want fries with that?"

I get a standing ovation just standing.

My wife's beautiful. That's why I married her. Because I want to see her every day.

I been seeing newspapers every Sunday morning, white dudes be in there in their drawers, never having no bulge in they drawers. Smiling at you. If I ain't have no bulge, I wouldn't be smiling!

I hate it when you really think you're getting something good... and you don't listen to your dudes when you really should.

Anyone who tells you that they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you dont. How can I be so sure? Because I dont know and you do not possess mental powers that I do not.

New parents always sound like hucksters in a pyramid scheme. Anyone who has kids and then gets you to go and have kids gets a check from Huckster Headquarters.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other… but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.

When I got on Stern I realized that this was the one job where you could be really honest and open, almost like Richard Pryor or something. You can be honest about your life and get laughs.

Why is it we don't always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?

Some people rely on rumors and gossip because they are devoid of any original thought.

I've been absolutely furious for no reason lately. Maybe I'll feel better if I find a good psychiatrist and beat him to death.