Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 788

There was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.

I don’t have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.

No matter what you’re doing in life, listen. Listen, wait, process it, then you open your mouth. Gather the information and then you reply. Anything else, you’re bound to fail. Anything you do, do it like that. When you don’t know how to deal with your lady, take an improv class. You can improv on her birthday. You can improv on your anniversary. You can improv in the bedroom. Can you imagine the skills you would have with your lady if you just listened better? Improv opens doors to everything. It’ll keep you from getting fired. It’ll keep you from getting a ticket. It’ll get you a nice time with your lady. Before you open your mouth, make sure you’ve listened. You can have anything you want in life.

I actually love Catholicism, it's my favourite form of clandestine global evil.

I like LA. LA is cool, but it ain't like home. Atlanta is home. All my friends are here, I grew up here. But LA is cool. Its more like a big office. Its work and you work, and you're meetin' people all the time, but its more like acquaintances than friends and stuff.I wanted to cut down on the profanity, because I think I'm funnier without sayin' a lot of cuss words.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

I have a hot wife, I know that, because every guy that meets her, when she leaves the room, turns to me and goes "Dude, man, if you die... I'm gonna be all over that!" "Thanks, dad."

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?

A grandchild is God’s reward for raising a child.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.