Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 788

She’s 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? “SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!”, what do you want a shredder for? “IDENTITY THEFT!!”.

I don't think of my opponents in the sense that I don't think of them consciously, I don't steer it one way or the other.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

I did that on a date once - I was wearing a bathing suit under my pants because I didn't do laundry. She wouldn't have known except for I had that white string flapping outside of my fly. She was like, 'What do you have - a tampon in there? What the hell's wrong with you?'

‘No, mate, you came here because you screwed up your A-levels.’(Reply to a heckler at Warrington University, who told Whitehall he’d ‘come here for comedy.’)

I fall in love so fast. I come back after the first date, I tell my friends, 'She's unbelievable!' And they say, 'What did she do?' 'I don't know. I think she's a mammal.'

My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.

His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.

I wouldn't want that man as my psychologist.

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.

That shirt looks good on you. You know what else would look good on you? My friend Dave, I think you should go out with him.

It’s all fun and games until someone gets a boner.

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "break my arms."

I am a tiny, neurotic man, standing in the back of the room throwing tomatoes at the chalk board. And that's really it. And what we do is we come in in the morning and we go, "Did you see that thing last night? Aahh!" And then we spend the next 8 or 9 hours trying to take this and make it into something funny.