Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 788
As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself.
I'm slower and some days are better than others, but I'm a fighter.
I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.
If you think the last four words to the national anthem are "gentleman, start your engines", you might be a redneck.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, Well that taught me a lesson.
Cut out those intimate little dinners for two - unless there's someone with you.
Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
I've got to watch myself these days. It's too exciting watching anyone else.
We're the greatest country on Earth except when it comes to getting shit done.
I'm really good at laundry, and I have no problem cleaning the kitchen.
And we took off-whoosh-into the night. Through the clouds, we hurtled up into the sky. And this man farted. I will never forget it as long as I live. Not only was it the worst fart, it was the longest. Maybe, it was the position he was in, he had squeezed his ass all up. But he was kinda leanin over and pointing his ass up toward me. And it made the strangest noise. It was like cloth tearing.
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.