Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 797
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
If I ever commit suicide I’m going to fling myself off the top of a skyscraper, but before I do I’m going to stuff my pockets with candy and gum. That way when the onlookers walk up they can go, “Oh man he really must have been dep - Hey, Snickers!”
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.
Whenever we go out, I pay all the tolls. Yeah - he backs up to the tolls so the booth would be on my side.
Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.
Edinburgh is the only place you can be sunburned and get trench foot on the same day.
Those who the gods would make rich and famous on TV, they first drive mad.
Before I left for college, my dad said, 'you know, son, I'm going to miss you.' I said, 'I know; that's because I broke the sights off your shotgun.'
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
We had problems like all families but we had a lot of love. I was extremely loved. We always felt we had each other.
My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
On bad chat up lines: Stick around love, cos I've got worse. The worst being, simply, Get in the van.
Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.