Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 797

It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.

[welcoming people to Hell]<br /> The French, are you here? If you'd just like to come down here with the Germans, I'm sure you'll have plenty to talk about.

It's brutal. I see friends when their shows don't work. Everything's riding on making money and all the pressure and how people scatter when fortunes turn downward.

Someone told me that carrots are good for your eyes. What they failed to tell me is that you have to take them orally.

White men have screwed this country up! I would like a black, female…. everything all rolled into one.I want something different. I want a real change. People, I want a president who speaks well, who has a sense of humor. This guy is such a moron! It's beyond the point where it's a joke. He's an idiot.

Why in our lifetimes was there a programme called Dogs with Jobs? They used to put it on at 11.30am! I resented a programme called Dogs with Jobs being put on when they knew unemployed people would be watching.

Morgan Freeman is so class. He's so cool. He's so scary.

I'm in my truck talking to Jesus. And you can see a World Series ring on my right pinkie finger. But when I take my sunglasses off a second later, it's gone. It's the whole divine intervention thing. You know Jesus had something to do with them winning.

You can be gangsta in good weather, These niggas were Gangsta in 99 Feet of mothafuckin' water. Nigga how is you swimming and keeping your Pistol out the water at the same time!?!

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, "He was a loner." Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

I feel more comfortable in comedy.

It's the beauty and curse of doing a daily show. Some days you've got nothing to talk about and other days Dick Cheney shoots his lawyer in the face and everyone is happy.

Here's the deal. If you're with somebody who you love, they should want you in bed. That's it. Once it goes south in bed, that's it. You don't want to be in bed with somebody that says, 'I'll race you to sleep.'

Shakespeare said, "Kill all the lawyers." There were no agents then.