Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 797

I think all gay guys should get married. I think they should have to get married. They should have to adopt kids because, actually, I'm getting tired of their happy-go-lucky lifestyle. I've had it with them being all happy and in shape. I could look good in denim short shorts and combat boots, too, if I had all day to do leg presses at the gym.

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other… but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

Then you had people who wanted to get into comedy just to get a TV deal.

That's not news! When a shark comes out of the water, walks into a 7-11, and bites you in the ass, then it's news!

I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

Man can not live by bread alone... he must have peanut butter.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

You know, a TV show is a slow build.

I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages. That’s a lot of coloring when you think about it.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.