Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 796
We grew up in the good old days before kids had these damn computers and actually played outside.
I think I'm going to put baby powder all over my legs before this walk just to be safe.
I wish I had that carefree lifestyle. But I guess I'm more private, and more inside.
I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
It was June 4, 1979, the first time I went on stage. I didn't know I could do it but I knew I couldn't not do it. I quit everything in my life and this was the one thing I couldn't quit.
The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work.
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
You might be a redneck if you celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic! Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.
I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
We do not believe, had he been white, that he would be dead. And when we black folks say to America that we're not going to tolerate it, it's going to stop.
It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
I don't think of my opponents in the sense that I don't think of them consciously, I don't steer it one way or the other.