Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 796
One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
I believe at the end of my career I’ll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.
Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
People say you learn from your mistakes. That’s bollocks – we stumble through life making the same mistakes. We just get better at dealing with the fallout.
You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is fresh! I will do well to shop here'. You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You'd think 'this is a poo shop! Everything in here is themed on poo!
I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying on the floor eating cakes.
The camera adds ten pounds. Why? What, we don't have the technology to remedy that one little thing? We can have fucking Forrest Gump cohorting with John F. Kennedy, and we can't just fix that one little thing, the ten pound variant on a lens... You can actually levitate now when you watch a movie about flying, but they just don't have the technology for that ten pound margin of error.
People don't get me. I'm not miserable or depressed, I'm just anxious and occasionally agitated.
Sometimes you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.
Goth Juice... The most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.