Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 796
Do people who believe in reincarnation ever say, "Darn, I'm still writing the year 1612 on my checks!"
To avoid conflict, agree with everything your signicant other says, no matter how moronic, until eventually you feel guilt-free breaking up.
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'
John and I were gay together once... Wait, that's not true. He was gay and I just laid there. Thank you, John, for giving me your heiny last night.
A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh.
If I knew as a young man what I know now I still would have felt lost.
I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died. ‘What are you doing here with that hammer?’
I admire Russell Simmons. He is a successful dude that has done a little bit of everything. He keeps it moving, and he’s still doing things. Larry David is also amazing. He is honest and blunt. A creative genius.
The best part of being married is... you don't have to explain a lot of things. Those wordless moments when you both know that what you witnessed together is funny, idiotic, or really sweet. Being connected is pretty miraculous.