Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 798

There is only one goal. That's to keep working and keep flossing.

I try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between gigs, now I just like to do stand-up gigs as much as I can.

Don't puss out on me now!

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.

Pixar had to animate themselves jumping over a shark.

Here's the deal. If you're with somebody who you love, they should want you in bed. That's it. Once it goes south in bed, that's it. You don't want to be in bed with somebody that says, 'I'll race you to sleep.'

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is fresh! I will do well to shop here'. You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You'd think 'this is a poo shop! Everything in here is themed on poo!

You wanna know how you know you’re informed as a protestor? They don’t show your interview on TV.

People don’t always think Jewish people are cool because we don’t talk as cool as other types of people. You never hear stuff like, “Jews in the house!” The only time you hear a Jewish person say “in the house” is like, y’know, “Murray! Get in the house!”

You know, making a movie is a collaborative effort and sometimes all the ingredients don’t work out. I know that every now and again I am going to make a movie that won’t work.

The camera adds ten pounds. Why? What, we don't have the technology to remedy that one little thing? We can have fucking Forrest Gump cohorting with John F. Kennedy, and we can't just fix that one little thing, the ten pound variant on a lens... You can actually levitate now when you watch a movie about flying, but they just don't have the technology for that ten pound margin of error.

I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games.