Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 798

Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet...

I had a gig in Maidstone very early on. The venue doesn’t exist anymore – hopefully it burnt down. One doesn’t like to generalise but, well, they were all sub-human.

One of these days I'm going to bite you and I'm gonna get very, very sick.

She’s a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

I became vegan because I saw footage of what really goes on in the slaughterhouses and on the dairy farms.

You ever do a little delete game? Do you like to do that? You go through, you take your contactlist, sometimes you're just in the doctor's office right? You start scrolling through, you're like... who don't I need? Who don't I need in my life?

I wish I had that carefree lifestyle. But I guess I'm more private, and more inside.

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.

My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.

On bad chat up lines: Stick around love, cos I've got worse. The worst being, simply, Get in the van.

There are a couple hard things. One, getting a funny idea that people can relate to; a funny idea or a funny script; there's a million pitches.

Loud, stupid and overeating will suffice as long as we also have the funny, the fierce and the intellectual.

There is only one goal. That's to keep working and keep flossing.

Shows should just be able to be shows without hyphenating their lead characters.

So I go in and I go into the snack bar. I don't think it should be legal to call anything that costs $18.50 a snack. Yeah, those are nice Twizzlers, do you have financial aid?