Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 798
Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.
A new child in the house is a huge tourist attraction. It's like Disneyland, except there the lines are longer and no one brings casseroles.
I admire Russell Simmons. He is a successful dude that has done a little bit of everything. He keeps it moving, and he’s still doing things. Larry David is also amazing. He is honest and blunt. A creative genius.
Then you had people who wanted to get into comedy just to get a TV deal.
I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
I don't think men talk as much as women, but when we have something on our minds we'll get it out.
People come up to me and say "Steve, what is film editing?" And I say "How should I know? You're the director."
I think, in most cases, the difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.
If I'm really considering doing film from now on then that is the smart thing to do, or you can go either way. You can just do the same character over and over again and make a different comedy like over and over again.
And the French! The French have a bomb too! Maybe they have the Michelin Bomb- ah! Only destroys restaurants under four stars! They are the one of the only people that still test their bombs! Where do they do it? In the Sahara, in the total wasteland? No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. Why? Because we're French. Oh, look, a Greenpeace boat coming to protest- fuck off, I sink you.
I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. “What do you want?”, she asked. “I want to stay here”, I replied. “Well, stay there then”, she said and closed the window.
Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours.
If old people are so wise, how come they are always getting fucked by telemarketing fraud?