Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 798
The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.
No no no! Don't clap! No no no, you make me seem like I'm like a prophet or something and I'm so not!
Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.
There are some people that will not pick up a phone and call you, but if you knock on a door and talk to them, they'll talk back to you.
I'm very impatient, so I was like, 'I want to be able to do whatever I want now.' But even the biggest stars - you look back and they weren't overnight.
I don't know that I would need to be famous as a Middle East policy expert to see that unilateral imperialism is bad policy.
I realized this is what God has dealt me, and I should be thankful considering all that's happened to me in my life, but MS caused the movies to stop - stop dead - and I miss it.
Growing up in the '60s and the '70s, things certainly seemed more simplistic and easier to digest.
There was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.
We had asked Jack Benny to give the bride away, but Jack said he never gave anything away.
No one grows up saying 'I hope I work in an office one day?' And that fascinated me. People from 16 to 65 are just thrown together and that is a tantalizing mix,
A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
My wife got us a catalog of stuff just for our dogs. 42 pages of things just for our dogs. She bought a feeding dish this high off the ground. I said, “What does he need that for?”, and she says, “So he don’t got to bend his neck to eat!” I just saw him licking his own ass! Excuse me for thinking he’s limber enough to eat! She said, “It helps his digestion!” I said, “His digestion’s just fine! I pick it up out of the yard every morning.”