Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 802

Then you had people who wanted to get into comedy just to get a TV deal.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.

There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it.

Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Mostly everything gets worse before it gets better.

I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack.

George Zimmerman wants to go to law school. I believe his exact words were, “I’d kill to be a lawyer.”

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

Try to be rational? I'll tell you how rational I can be. I hope that he goes out into the wilderness and gets poision ivy, and comes back and I have to treat him then he will find out how much sick people get charged.

We do experiments on animals for a reason—to prolong our life. If hooking a monkey’s brain up to a car battery is going to save somebody of dying from AIDS in ten years, I got two things to say, “The red is positive and the black is negative.”