Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 802
If you are 26 years old and you’re waking up under Star Wars sheets… the Force is not with you.
Oh Rama, here I go again! Listen to you, sounding like Death Vader. You people need cigarettes as much as this country needs another C-average President. Plus you look like a human Pez dispenser! Here are your cigarettes, and here is some gum so you can blow bubbles for that weird ass hole you have in your neck. And here are some batteries, for your creeping-me-out machine. Now get the fark out of my store! I hope I am reincarnated as a turtleneck... Thank you for getting that joke!
The economy is in trouble, schools are in trouble, and people have been leaving the city in droves for a long, long time.
I think I could go away tomorrow. I've already accomplished something. It's such a selfish business that sometimes I get sick of myself.
As a guy I never liked being told to call, which my wife really never does, and that’s why I call her as often as I do.
Wouldn't it be great if people were the same in bed as they are in every day life? When Mark Spitz gets done, does he do a flip off the headboard and come back for another lap? 'Gee, Nadia, that was perfect! That full twisting dismount wasn't bad either, babe!'
If you think the last four words to the national anthem are "gentleman, start your engines", you might be a redneck.
I think it would be a fatal mistake to use my show as a platform for controversial issues. I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
I wish I had that carefree lifestyle. But I guess I'm more private, and more inside.
It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.