Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 802

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewellery.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

I said, “That’s an unusual name. You don’t hear that everyday.”

I felt in a lot of instances I was deliberately being put through stress because when you're a guy who generates money, people have a vested interested in controlling you.

Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

Do people who believe in reincarnation ever say, "Darn, I'm still writing the year 1612 on my checks!"

Julie Christie was absolutely amazing in Away From Her. Brilliant movie. It was the moving story of a woman who forgets her own husband. Hillary Clinton calls it the feel good movie of the year.

Black culture is a fight. We want to hold on to what we are, but sometimes the things that we are can be totally negative. You have to think: can't we try something new and not be seen as suspect?

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

New York is great though. If you're here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.