Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 801
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.
My mother was an authority on pigsties. This is the worst looking pigsty I've ever seen in my life.
You young guys are going, “I’m never going to get married.” That’s what I thought. But how many times can you go home, watch SportsCenter, order a pizza, and jerkoff before that gets boring. I’ll tell you how many times: 11,556.
If I'm really considering doing film from now on then that is the smart thing to do, or you can go either way. You can just do the same character over and over again and make a different comedy like over and over again.
My girlfriend called me because one of our other friends is getting married. So, they told me I had to pitch in for a male stripper. I said, 'You out your damn mind. I ain't payin' for no naked-ass man.' I mean, you think about it - women? We really don't have to pay to see that. I mean, really - we spend most of our time trying not to see that.
And the French! The French have a bomb too! Maybe they have the Michelin Bomb- ah! Only destroys restaurants under four stars! They are the one of the only people that still test their bombs! Where do they do it? In the Sahara, in the total wasteland? No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. Why? Because we're French. Oh, look, a Greenpeace boat coming to protest- fuck off, I sink you.
I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.
Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
On his teenage son: To be honest, I’m not sure the same kid comes home each night.
I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.
I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest." This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.
Nobody is going to be as bad for free thinking, right-minded individuals than George Bush.