Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 801

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

I guess because of my act, people think that I say things they want to say, and that they can just come up and say anything to me.

When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.

Some people say kissing is more intimate than sex... I guess, if you’re kissing someone’s butt hole.

A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!

Lacy was just as happy alone as with company. When she was alone, she was potential; with others she was realized.

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

I don't think men talk as much as women, but when we have something on our minds we'll get it out.

I love comedy. God has given me this platform.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.

Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!"