Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 801
I’ll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
Here's the deal. If you're with somebody who you love, they should want you in bed. That's it. Once it goes south in bed, that's it. You don't want to be in bed with somebody that says, 'I'll race you to sleep.'
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.
You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is fresh! I will do well to shop here'. You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You'd think 'this is a poo shop! Everything in here is themed on poo!
We're (women) our own worst enemies a lot of the time, but I still blame men.
If love were a drug people would be like, "Yo… stay away from that shit."
Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
There's a woman I see who's not my therapist, but she's like an old friend who's a therapist in profession. She lets me talk to her like a therapist once in a while, and she does a great thing. Whenever I have a big dilemma, like this is a big problem in my life, she always says, 'Wow, you're going to have to figure that out.'
When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.