Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 803
You don't have to have 14 committees and studios weighing in. Its really just you.
I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.
I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
People say I've changed and I tell em that I'm glad 'cause I don't wanna stay the same.
I've always loved the flirtatious tango of consonants and vowels, the sturdy dependability of nouns and capricious whimsy of verbs, the strutting pageantry of the adjective and the flitting evanescence of the adverb, all kept safe and orderly by those reliable little policemen, punctuation marks. Wow! Think I got my ass kicked in high school?
I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.
I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!
I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
I don't know what I think of George W. Bush when he first got in, but I've grown fond of the man, and maybe it's the times we live in. They say he's not an environmentalist. But every time I see his ranch on TV, it looks pretty nice. You know something, if we all took care of our own, we'd have a great environment.
My girlfriend called me because one of our other friends is getting married. So, they told me I had to pitch in for a male stripper. I said, 'You out your damn mind. I ain't payin' for no naked-ass man.' I mean, you think about it - women? We really don't have to pay to see that. I mean, really - we spend most of our time trying not to see that.