Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 815

18,873 quotes

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

I don't blame my parents for my dysfunctions... I blame their parents.

Feminists think that this show is only for sexist dudes, but in fact 43% of our viewers are sexist females.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I’m sure now there’d be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.

I remember one date I had, we ran into some guy she knew and she introduced us. She said, 'Steve, this is Rodney. Rodney, this is goodbye.'

Why should you feel honored for getting scraps of his time?

According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.

I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.

We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.

I live my life like there's no yesterday.

We came, we saw, we sucked.

Young people are gross with their faces and their hope.

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.

I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television.