Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 815
You go and you buy a lottery ticket. You've got just as much chance of getting struck by lightning as you do of winning the lottery.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.
I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. “What do you want?”, she asked. “I want to stay here”, I replied. “Well, stay there then”, she said and closed the window.
A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.
What you have to do is be honest with who you are. Find that thing inside of you that is you and be that. Don't lie and don't perpetrate. I am sick and tired of ugly bitches that wear shirts that say, 'Cutey.'
God picked us to be the slaves because we can handle it…. If the white folks would have been slaves, the shit would have ended in 20 minutes. “Chains! And it’s not gold!... Call my lawyer!... Get your things Susan we’re out of here.”
Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.
I think it’s a tad bit hypocritical of black people to have names that you can’t call us anymore but we still have in the organizations that represent us. The United Negro College Fund. Oh, you can’t call us a negro, but we will accept your donation.
When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.
On his teenage son: To be honest, I’m not sure the same kid comes home each night.
I’ve lived in Manchester since my 20s and I’ve only been in three fights –not a bad average.
It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.