Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 815

Remember when I met you on the high seas Cynthia how coy you were. You tried to get away from me and what a fight you put up. You bent four of my harpoons.

The self-prepared dinner is a great time killer for lonely people and as much time should be spent on it as possible.

If you’re dating someone that says they’ve “got their priorities in order” that’s code for, “I’m spiraling out of control.”

People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.

TV is easier: it's all planned out for you and the audience is there to see a show and they are all pumped up but when you are in a comedy club, you have to be really funny to win them over.

I have a hot wife, I know that, because every guy that meets her, when she leaves the room, turns to me and goes "Dude, man, if you die... I'm gonna be all over that!" "Thanks, dad."

My child-rearing was blocked out by an eclipse.

It’s so stupid the shit we’re proud of. You know how you got to be who you are? Your parents fucked. There’s nothing to be proud of. You father wanted a blowjob that night. How’s that feel? You’re just a blowjob that got out of hand.

I got really lost last year. But I can’t be lonely though. Cause we’re all stuck here. I wanted to make something that says no matter how bad you fuck up, or mistakes you’ve made during the year, your life, your eternity. You’re always allowed to be better. You’re always allowed to grow up. If you want.

My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.

We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack.

I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.

The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.