Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 815
In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have one? Then it's probably you.
Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.
I had some great things and I had some bad things. The best and the worst... In other words, I had a life.
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
A comedy agent asked, “What did you do before comedy?” I was a drug counselor. He said, “How about before that?” I was a drug addict. He said, “And before that?” I was twelve.
I got really lost last year. But I can’t be lonely though. Cause we’re all stuck here. I wanted to make something that says no matter how bad you fuck up, or mistakes you’ve made during the year, your life, your eternity. You’re always allowed to be better. You’re always allowed to grow up. If you want.
You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.
How many you boys ever been drunk, went home with a fat girl?. Some of you out there are going, “Shut up! She’s sitting right next to me!”
I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.
I just celebrated seventeen years without a drug or a drink in my body. Seventeen years sober. I don’t need to get high. I got gambling to fall back on.
My buddy Tom... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.