Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 816

You know me, I love lost causes.

There are a couple hard things. One, getting a funny idea that people can relate to; a funny idea or a funny script; there's a million pitches.

I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.

In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say "scientists"? I meant "Irish people."

Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, "Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards."

If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.

It’s an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

I like pressure. Pressure doesn't make me crack. It's enabling. I eat pressure, and there might be times when I get a bad feeling in my gut that this might be too much, but you feel pressure when you're not doing something, you know?

We're (women) our own worst enemies a lot of the time, but I still blame men.

I'm a hypochondriac. Backstage, I don't sign autographs - I signed a valium for some woman.

People don’t always think Jewish people are cool because we don’t talk as cool as other types of people. You never hear stuff like, “Jews in the house!” The only time you hear a Jewish person say “in the house” is like, y’know, “Murray! Get in the house!”

My life’s pretty easy, which is never good for comedy. I have a great relationship, a nice little house, a couple of dogs and cats and nice friends - there’s no jokes in that. I should fuck things up just for a business move.

I personally don't believe people really grow. They just learn stuff when they were a kid, and hold on to it, and that affects every relationship they have.