Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 816
I think it’s a tad bit hypocritical of black people to have names that you can’t call us anymore but we still have in the organizations that represent us. The United Negro College Fund. Oh, you can’t call us a negro, but we will accept your donation.
You might be a redneck if every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.
It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
You might be a redneck if there is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
I'm writing a book. It's called The Soft Spot... and Other Ways to Stop a Crying Baby.
If anybody comes up to you and says, "My kid is a conservative - why is that?" you say, "Remember in the 60′s when we told you if you kept using drugs your kids would be mutants?"
I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.
My great great grandmother was a cunt in the late eighteen hundreds, long before it was popular to be a cunt.
I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
The putts break toward the diamond lane on the freeway here. I had a putt break toward a call box, so I know it depends on what lane. I missed a two-footer because a guy was changing his tire in my line.
I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes - they don't write me... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree.
It's stressful being a hypochondriach. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.