Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 814
I felt in a lot of instances I was deliberately being put through stress because when you're a guy who generates money, people have a vested interested in controlling you.
Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.
Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog...
We have such a long, familiar history with Peter Falk. The minute his mug is on that screen people smile.
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
First I get my name in the phone book and now I’m on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book.
You know what's fun? You pick somebody at random, like out of the phone book, and send them about 100 'Just Because' cards. They can't even ask you why you did it.
I don’t know if this is a nerdy quality or just something left over from my uncle’s alcoholism, but I get obsessed with things very easily, things that don’t matter. I think that is a very nerdy quality to be like, “Oh this thing! I love it and I’m going to learn everything about it real soon.”
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
Got an offer to do my next special in 3D. Sounds cool but do you really want me coming into your house?
If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.
You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My bad!".
Growing up in the '60s and the '70s, things certainly seemed more simplistic and easier to digest.