Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 814

My mouth is big enough for me to fit my entire fist in your vagina.

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues".

My friend says "touche" way too much. He's a touche bag.

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don’t need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.

A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat.

She kind of reminds one of Helen. There's something very similar about Elizabeth Perkins.

First I get my name in the phone book and now I’m on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

Last night my wife and I had an amazing, simultaneous panic-attack.

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

Let me tell you what really happened... Every night before I go to bed, I have milk and cookies. One night I mixed some low-fat milk and some pasteurized, then I dipped my cookie in and the shit blew up.

I can't just say the words, do a lot of one-liners. I love each person I play; I have to be that person. I have to do him true.

My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.