Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 814

First I get my name in the phone book and now I’m on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book.

If you close your eyes, you could just as well imagine me to be vintage Ali MacGraw, circa 1968.

I've hung out in the writer's room a few times, but the fact is we've got such a good writing staff, I don't want to get my peanut butter fingerprints on anything.

I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in the 'I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I'm on the phone and I forget that I'm using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I'm standing there, mid-conversation, I'm like 'Are you serious?' and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.

Got an offer to do my next special in 3D. Sounds cool but do you really want me coming into your house?

You might be a redneck if your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can’t force you to give it back.

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?

When you're first starting out, you want to keep making good movies. When you're young and you're black, you do a bad movie and you're through.

Have you ever had a cookie? Then you won't get any here either.

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?