Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 819
Without identical twins, you’ll never get to experience entering a hotel room with one of them and watching him run into the full-length mirror because he though he saw his brother.
ACORN is organizing to make sure the job of rebuilding New Orleans is done by the people of New Orleans and truly benefits the communities who have been hurt the most.
My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.
I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man AIDS, and you don't have to give him any fish.
Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no I'm a fucking squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "Fucking nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit.”
I bought a pedigree dog for 300$. My friend said, "Give me 300$ and I'll shit on your carpet."
I will be looking at an Armani shirt or a high end designer and flip the tag and I see made in India, I'm stuck with a real dilemma. I'm like 'Shit, do i buy this shirt or do I call my uncle. I wonder if he knows where this factory is.'
I’m on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I’m unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn’t also like iCarly.
Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don’t need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.
Elizabeth Taylor, who recently built a halfway house for girls who don't want to go all the way. Never got a dinner!
If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.
Comedians do movies and TV so that when they tour, they sell out. That's the goal: To get popular enough so the place is packed.
There are some people that will not pick up a phone and call you, but if you knock on a door and talk to them, they'll talk back to you.