Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 819

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

You might be a redneck if every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.

I think anybody who wants to be president has to be a politician, but I would like to find somebody who's coming from a loving place instead of a political place.

It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.

I'm writing a book. It's called The Soft Spot... and Other Ways to Stop a Crying Baby.

If anybody comes up to you and says, "My kid is a conservative - why is that?" you say, "Remember in the 60′s when we told you if you kept using drugs your kids would be mutants?"

My great great grandmother was a cunt in the late eighteen hundreds, long before it was popular to be a cunt.

Without identical twins, you’ll never get to experience entering a hotel room with one of them and watching him run into the full-length mirror because he though he saw his brother.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

If I live below a tap dancer I would just put really powerful magnets on the ceiling. We're not tapping shit now, are we? More of a tap stander.

The putts break toward the diamond lane on the freeway here. I had a putt break toward a call box, so I know it depends on what lane. I missed a two-footer because a guy was changing his tire in my line.

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot.