Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 819
I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got an idiot.
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
If I try to cover too much ground, you start to get watered down and less interesting.
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.
It means a lot in that I always felt invisible, and I was louder in my own head than I was verbally. I was torturing myself, wanting to say things and not knowing how to be. The stand-up was a way out but it never came easy. So to have something that's named after me make it, and that has history tied to Desi and Freddie and now Freddie Jr., it's unbelievable to me because I never really thought anything good would happen to me.
As an actor, there was that freedom of not having to worry about lights or marks or other people. It was just going out there and having fun with the character.
Shows should just be able to be shows without hyphenating their lead characters.
If you're saying what are penguins like, they're a bit persnickety, I'll say that... Um, thank you, I have a thesaurus in my house.
I try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between gigs, now I just like to do stand-up gigs as much as I can.
I'm like the Hulk on stage. It's way over the top. That's Bizarro Chris. Sometimes I get off stage and go "What did I say?!" I'll watch one of my stand-up specials a year later and go "Eww, that was mean."
The internet, it’s destroyed porn hasn’t it, it’s so depressing if you’re a teenage boy now because you can type in ‘tit’ and you’ve got every image under the sun. When I was a kid the only way you found porn was when it magically arrived in the woods. What a moment that was in your youth!