Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 819
If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?
No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined.
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It’s not going to go bad again.
You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
Elizabeth Taylor, who recently built a halfway house for girls who don't want to go all the way. Never got a dinner!
The camera adds ten pounds. Why? What, we don't have the technology to remedy that one little thing? We can have fucking Forrest Gump cohorting with John F. Kennedy, and we can't just fix that one little thing, the ten pound variant on a lens... You can actually levitate now when you watch a movie about flying, but they just don't have the technology for that ten pound margin of error.
Amazon has included me in an opportunity to provide top-shelf television-style programming live on the world's computer screens. To hold forth with the industry's very best actors, directors, musicians, authors - I'm thrilled to be on the cutting edge of this.
I'm very much an optimist. I don't think I could do my work if I didn't believe there was some kind of hope for humanity.
The reason a person is a republican is because something is wrong with them. Again, that's science - that's neuroscience. You cannot be well adjusted, open-minded, pluralistic, enlightened and be a republican.
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".