Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 818
I’ve been fired a lot. I prefer to call it just another stop on my Burning Bridges Tour.
I don't think men talk as much as women, but when we have something on our minds we'll get it out.
You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I'll guarantee you'll win.
As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself.
If I were to say that I grew up in East Los Angeles in the projects poor, I assumed that everybody understood that it came with its own reasons for being the way I am. I didn’t get that people needed to understand where my comedy came from; I thought that they knew that. Now I tell people.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.
If my girlfriend ever turned into a zombie, I would not hesitate to wear a condom.
What you have to do is be honest with who you are. Find that thing inside of you that is you and be that. Don't lie and don't perpetrate. I am sick and tired of ugly bitches that wear shirts that say, 'Cutey.'
I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants!
Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.
I think it’s a tad bit hypocritical of black people to have names that you can’t call us anymore but we still have in the organizations that represent us. The United Negro College Fund. Oh, you can’t call us a negro, but we will accept your donation.
On his teenage son: To be honest, I’m not sure the same kid comes home each night.