Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 818
Feminists think that this show is only for sexist dudes, but in fact 43% of our viewers are sexist females.
Nineteen people flew into the towers. It seems hard for me to imagine that we could go to war enough to make the world safe enough that nineteen people wouldn't want to do harm to us. So it seems like we have to rethink a strategy that is less military-based.
Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.
Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!"
I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
How many you boys ever been drunk, went home with a fat girl?. Some of you out there are going, “Shut up! She’s sitting right next to me!”
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.