Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 818

Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.

I have a hot wife, I know that, because every guy that meets her, when she leaves the room, turns to me and goes "Dude, man, if you die... I'm gonna be all over that!" "Thanks, dad."

My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

No one is a natural – you have to work at being a natural.

A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.

Sometimes we become attached to what’s familiar, and sometimes we hold on to things that are safe and predictable, even if they are bad for us.

I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.

I was 18 when I started. I was hanging out with some friends and they asked if I had tried stand-up before. I hadn't, but I thought: 'What the hell?' So I went to an open mic night, and I liked it.

Whenever someone says they believe the earth was created in 7 days, I grab a fossil and say, "Fossil." And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their heads.

[talking about how the relationship changes after marriage] You know, you'll spend some time together, then you tell her, "You know, you're fun! I like you! You're fun! We have fun together! Let's get married!" So you get married, then after a little while fun starts packin' its shit! And you go, "Where ya' goin', fun?" And she goes, "Oh, nowhere. Just gettin' some stuff together." And then one day, Fun says "Fuck it!" and takes off! And you go, "Come back, Fun!" And she says, "Fuck you married guy!"

She’s a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.