Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 818

After you take off your coats, go to sleep... Then in the morning I'll take you all home.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Someone should come out with a man-woman dictionary, like those English-French ones.

Look at you, you're handsome... ish.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.

Nobody is going to be as bad for free thinking, right-minded individuals than George Bush.

I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider - and also FOX News makes people stupider.

You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got an idiot.

I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.

I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don't rush into adulthood, it isn't all that much fun.

Everybody gives money and blankets and candy to septuplet families. You go on Oprah Winfrey. Oprah pays for all the kids to go to college. Oprah gives you a mini van. And that’s hypocritical. ‘Cause there’s plenty of women in this country with six kids. Granted they had them by five different men… Six kids, five different men, you ain’t on Oprah. You’re on Maury Povich for a paternity test.

If you're saying what are penguins like, they're a bit persnickety, I'll say that... Um, thank you, I have a thesaurus in my house.

I have a high state of resentment for the conformity in this country. If you`re not married and having children, it`s like your life is empty or you`re a communist meanie.

Don't get upset. I'm probably wrong about half the shit I say.