Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 827
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
You might be a redneck if you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.
And I think that if God did exist, he had many children. I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God. A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus. That's just logic. That's just mathematical. And T-sus would always be fucking about. And P-sus does deliveries. C-sus started the Roman Empire. Cae-sus. F-sus, City in Turkey. B-sus was covered in something. Some people applauding there; other people going, "What?" ... B-sus was covered in bees.
Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.
Lady’s like, “Sorry sir, we don’t have Internet service in all our hotel rooms. But don’t worry, we have free wireless in the lobby.”
I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.
My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
There are fears that Britain could be facing a double-dip recession, or worse still, a double-dip with misery sprinkles and fuck-where's-my-job-sauce.
New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?
When I'm on stage, I get real happy there. Maybe that's the only time in my adult life I feel like myself.
My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.
I always forced myself to do crazy things in public. In college I would push an overhead projector across campus with my pants just low enough to show my butt.