Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 827

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.

As long as one person lives in darkness then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

Thanks Kate, and don't forget to call that number, there is no such thing as a little crack problem.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

You might be a redneck if you call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

She'll take 3-5 steps, always 3-5 then she'll turn and just over her shoulder say, "well your dumb like your father."

My buddy Tom... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

I used to get letters saying, 'I didn't know black children and white children were the same.'

I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around.