Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 827

You know, be able to do something great in your life, you're gonna have to realize your failures. You're gonna have to embrace them and figure out how to overcome it.

I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer - I'm a dragon irritater.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog...

Lower your expectations and live your life like it isn't yours.

I was not the popular kid in school.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

I don't have to worry about writing jokes. I just tell stories about things that have happened to me. As long as I'm alive and I'm living and I'm experiencing different things every day, the show will always change.

I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear - we looked like marbles smugglers.

King Solomon, who said to his thousand wives, "For better service, take a number." Never got a dinner!

Everyone has these two visions when they hold their child for the first time. The first is your child as an adult saying "I want to thank the Nobel Committee for this award." The other is "You want fries with that?"

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

I definitely want to be with somebody who doesn't feel lost or in my shadow.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his morning show.

I don't like to drink alone 'cause there's nobody to fight with.