Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 826
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
We have archeology on television, and I quite like it; it’s a sort of detective thing, but it’s really true, you know it’s there… But it’s kind of slow on telly, it has this problem of, “We’ve been here three weeks on live television, and we’ve taken off about a millimeter of top soil so far…” There’s men with brushes and beards… maybe they’ve just got beards, I’m not sure… “We found this and carbon-dated it to last Tuesday, so we’re very excited…”
At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.
I was doing a show a couple of weeks ago and I was talking to a girl in the front row. I asked her her name. She said, “It’s Patacka.”
If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you've made, let's be fair, that means you've got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you've done. It's okay to say, "God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that." Then it kind of balances out.
I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out if me with steel pipes.
Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his morning show.
Orthodox Jews, or, as they are known in the Talmud, the Really Chosen Ones, are committed to the idea that the entire Torah was dictated by God verbatim to Moses at Mount Sinai... Other forms of Judaism dispute this claim, although it does explain certain passages in the first Torah, such as, "I'm sorry, am I boring you?" and "What do you like better, Moses, Lord Almighty or Big Hoohah?"