Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 826
Have you heard his [Justin Bieber] new song? ‘Cause he thinks he’s a black man now.
I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant…because I believe in myself.
It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.
Every comedian has a moment in his life when he realizes he's a little bit different from everyone else. It's like being the only guy in a movie who sees the ghost. The ghost talks to you and you talk to him. Then you turn to your friend and say, "Hey. Do you see that ghost?" And he says, "What ghost?"
If these walls could talk... you'd hear the sound of fat women saying, "Call me."
My mouth is big enough for me to fit my entire fist in your vagina.
Relationships, easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it’s hard to keep up the lie! ‘Cause you can’t get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody.
The grocery store near my house closes at 8:25.<br /> -- Todd Barry, on the hours of the grocery store near his house
After a one night stand, make sure you wait two days before you call and tell her she has AIDS.
Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead?
I'm not that promiscuous; she was. I mean, I should have known. I mean, she put a triangle over the bed. Before we made love, which was sad, she went, 'Come and get it.'
I've had a pilot every single year that didn't sell for the past four years, that'll smack you in the back of the head. I had a really good one last year; I wouldn't have done the play in New York if I had gotten that one.
A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.