Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 826
In the land of the blind, the one eyed man tends to get away with date rape more often. Also shoplifting and cheating at monopoly.
People don't get me. I'm not miserable or depressed, I'm just anxious and occasionally agitated.
The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
I think I've drawn from some of the most feminine women, like Jackie Kennedy. I am totally devastated that she's gone. She had it all.
The other day my twelve-year-old says to me, "I don't feel like I'm with you right now. You're in the car with me, you're checking your e-mail, you're not listening to me, I don't feel like I'm with you." And I say, "You know what? That was your mother's gripe, too. And she was right. And you're also correct." When you cop to something, you get to the next level. In this case, the next level is: I just learned something from my twelve-year-old.
There’s a few sentences you’ll never hear. Like, “Hey we should go to Alabama, again.” You’ll never hear that. Or how about this one? “I can’t believe you haven’t seen Species 2!” This is my favorite one: “Aw! Let’s put some nutmeg up in this muthafucka!”
A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You’d just be like, "I am bike cheese." Because you wouldn’t know what words were.
Everybody wrings their hands about Fox News. You know, "fair and balanced? Why, that's snide!" Yeah, okay, maybe they're not fair and balanced, but CNN used to have the slogan "You Can Depend on CNN". Guess what? I watch it, no you can't. So what's the difference?
And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.
My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.