Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 828
Then you had people who wanted to get into comedy just to get a TV deal.
Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.
The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.
I know what you're thinking: yet another late night talk show host accusing Neil Sedaka of being a war criminal.
[about masturbation] If God didn't want us to do it, he'd have made our arms shorter.
It has been way too cold this winter, I mean th-th-th-the temperatures have been ungodly, where the fuck is global warming when you need it!
If you ever go to Las Vegas, and you will, just go for a few days. I was there recently for seven days, seven days in Vegas. After I blew all my money on gambling and prostitution, I had six days to kill.
Cunt is a great word, but it is more impressive if you use it on a guy.
I'm famous for my bottom dances, but you'll only see my bum and willy if you raise a million pounds within an hour.
You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!