Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 828
Some people say kissing is more intimate than sex... I guess, if you’re kissing someone’s butt hole.
If you’re dating someone that says they’ve “got their priorities in order” that’s code for, “I’m spiraling out of control.”
When someone less capable is ahead of me, I am not pleased. It makes me insane.
What do you feed them? Losing lottery tickets? You're never going to win the lottery! You have a better chance of getting knocked up by Ryan Seacrest. And you have enough kids! Take your fifty dollars and buy yourself a vagina cork. I hope I get reincarnated as a condom so I never have to see your ugly-ass face again!
The right-wing papers in Britain, they loved it because they could sell all the newspapers. "You frenchy, froggy, froggy, frenchy. Our lovely beefy. You frenchy, froggy, frenchy". This was a Times editorial piece.
I’ve been fired a lot. I prefer to call it just another stop on my Burning Bridges Tour.
Don’t forget to turn your clocks back today if you don’t want your clocks to be set to the right time.
I don't want to say work is who I am, but some people feel more centered and more whole when they're producing and creating.
I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.
How come there’s no self-effacing rappers? “Had to go to Goodwill to get this jacket/ that’s ‘cause I’m in a low-income tax bracket.”
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.