Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 828
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber’s calf, he would’ve never started Christianity.
I had sex recently. I took out the box of condoms. She takes the box from my hand, looks at it and goes, “Hey Todd, good choice.” Good choice. Now I didn’t expect her to be a virgin, but this is no time to show brand loyalty.
There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.
Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead?
I once dated a guy who was so dumb he couldn't count to twenty-one unless he was naked.
Struggling is hard because you never know what's at the end of the tunnel.
There have been two different drafts of the script. The hard part about following it up is at the end of the first one, he revealed his identity to his kids. How do you play that out? How does she come back? One of the ideas was that he'd go to New York because his daughter was going to college and he'd be nearby. But as a script, it never worked.
The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.
If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?
I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there's a game on.