Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 828
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
You might be a redneck if there is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won’t give you healthcare over someone who will, you need to have your head examined. Except you can’t afford to have your head examined.
Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"
You might think that’s an exaggeration but believe me, if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.
Oh, I can picture myself rattling along Route 66 on that thing, headphones on, singing along to ZZ Top's 'Sharp Dressed Man' or the opening line from 'Born to be Wild' by Steppenwolf - 'Get your motor running...' The trike brings out that in all of us, which is no bad thing. Forget Viagra, get yourself a trike!
I'm working on a screenplay about a guy who teaches a retarded kid to read. It's good. But it is so fucking long.
I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
My wife’s an earth sign. I’m a water sign. Together we make mud.
Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot.
Your main contribution is spray painting your nickname on other people’s things. And my cousin, who’s a ‘gangster’, he’s like, ‘No, Tash, you don’t understand; you throw a fat piece up there, that piece is yours.’ I’m like, ‘No one thinks you own Costco.’