Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 843

If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section.

Yeah how bad can it be?<br /> Some people have it worse than me<br /> I could be a child prostitute<br /> Or Gary Glitter’s family

Good enough to tweet, not to say.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

There are some muscles I don’t think I need my personal trainer to find as I won’t be using them at my age anyway

We do it all the time, we legislate taste. We do it with the tax code. Churches and children get a tax break, because it's assumed that we all agree that we want to encourage churches and children. I don't. I don't. That's my opinion. I don't want to encourage either churches or children, and it's a very bad idea to put them together.

I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.

I love Tinkle, it's really the most fun I've had in years.

Everything we do we should look at in terms of millions of people who can't afford it.

I think maybe my four-year-old has come up with a new metaphor. We don’t want “everything out of life,” we want “everything and a kite”!

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

The Devil: And finally, Christians. Christians? Ah yes, I'm sorry. I'm afraid the Jews were right.