Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 843

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

She had destroyed whatever was between us by making a profound gaffe: She met me.

It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.

If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are "geographically undesirable."

No one is a natural – you have to work at being a natural.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I'll guarantee you'll win.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

I also like a great Caesar salad with anchovies, although I don't know why some places say 'with anchovies.' If you're making a proper Caesar salad, it's going to have anchovies.

Life's temporary for a reason; it gets boring after a while.

My friends who have babies can’t do anything. Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

Remember, guns don't kill people - unless you practice real hard.