Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 843
I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.
Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.
I’ll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
Way back in the day, like in the 1990s, if you wanted to tell everyone you ate waffles for breakfast, you couldn’t just go on the internet and tweet it out. There was only one way to do it. You had to go outside and scream at the top of your lungs, 'I ate waffles for breakfast!' That’s why so many people ended up in institutions. They seemed crazy, but when you think about it, they were just ahead of their time.
Judah Friedlander, I’m ok with you being the world champion for a few years more. That’s a hook with legs. But I think he should make one more hat, that says ‘there’s a limit to how funny words on a hat can be’. And then move to a chapeau.
A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.
There's a woman I see who's not my therapist, but she's like an old friend who's a therapist in profession. She lets me talk to her like a therapist once in a while, and she does a great thing. Whenever I have a big dilemma, like this is a big problem in my life, she always says, 'Wow, you're going to have to figure that out.'
Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it... like lunch or dinner.
90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on.
I have some shorter stories coming out in other books early next year. I might be pitching a re-vamp of Ghost Rider in the spring. We'll see.
I don’t know if this is a nerdy quality or just something left over from my uncle’s alcoholism, but I get obsessed with things very easily, things that don’t matter. I think that is a very nerdy quality to be like, “Oh this thing! I love it and I’m going to learn everything about it real soon.”
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.