Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 844
There’s nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her. Because the kid can tell. “Here’s Tickle Me Elmo!” She’s like, “Fuck you!” I stand by my decision.
If you ever go to Las Vegas, and you will, just go for a few days. I was there recently for seven days, seven days in Vegas. After I blew all my money on gambling and prostitution, I had six days to kill.
See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from.
On Hulk Hogan: “You’re an old man who dresses like a Hooter’s waitress.”
I think a lot of people are afraid of freedom. They want their lives to be controlled, to be put into a box... People like that cradle-to-grave concept because it says you don't have to think too much, you don't have to worry too much, because someone else is looking out for you. But that also means you can't do as much as you want. Why should someone else put a limit on how much fun I can have; how much I can accomplish?
There are some muscles I don’t think I need my personal trainer to find as I won’t be using them at my age anyway
I can turn a towel into a beach towel just by bringing it to the beach. I can also do a similar thing with a bum.
If you want to play the "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" home game, just send us a million dollars, and we'll send you a desk and four stools.
Everything we do we should look at in terms of millions of people who can't afford it.
And traffic! Traffic's a nightmare! That's how people describe it, a nightmare. Has anyone had this nightmare? "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" "What is it, darling? Are you all right?" "No, I'm not all right at all!" "What was it?" "TRAFFIC!!!"
On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.