Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 844

I believe that if you want to wear a thong, you should have to go through an application process.

Nobody takes a picture of something they want to forget.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

That's what I am; I'm a drip. You still get hydrated, you still get your nutrients, just a little at a damn time.

The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are "geographically undesirable."

I live my life like there's no yesterday.

I feel grandiose when I feel truly happy.

Does anybody believe your health is more important than money? I don’t see too many beautiful women going, “Gee, should I blow Bob in the Porsche or Dave with low cholestol?”

Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.

Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces.

Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.

The best comedy, I feel, comes in a drama because it balances each other out.

Being on the road is kind of lonely.

Caaaaaaaable guuuuuuy!