Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 842
The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as "Boy George."
If acting was hard for me, I wouldn`t do it, it is something that I like to do.
You might be a redneck if you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.
Every comedian has a moment in his life when he realizes he's a little bit different from everyone else. It's like being the only guy in a movie who sees the ghost. The ghost talks to you and you talk to him. Then you turn to your friend and say, "Hey. Do you see that ghost?" And he says, "What ghost?"
No one entertains the thought that maybe god does not believe in you.
Make a sex tape, upload it, get on a reality show, release a perfume, retire. That’s the new American dream.
I'm not that promiscuous; she was. I mean, I should have known. I mean, she put a triangle over the bed. Before we made love, which was sad, she went, 'Come and get it.'
In India, grown ass men, GROWN ASS MEN, hold hands with other men and walk down the street as if everythings ok. And they dont just hold hands, they are holding fucking pinkies and SWINGING that shit.
After a while, you just kind of chill. It just becomes a whole different lifestyle and no one bothers you.
You know, be able to do something great in your life, you're gonna have to realize your failures. You're gonna have to embrace them and figure out how to overcome it.
I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
You get somebody to explain the Trinity to you, they'll say "Well God, he's God, and Jesus is God as well, and the Holy Spirit is...[mumbles indistinctly]". "What?" "He's the fecund spirit of the Lord who impregnates Mary, then gets a bit up himself and is reduced to light clerical duties?" Let's examine that in joke form: three male divine natures go into a cosmic essence, giving and receiving love, but not in a gay bishop way, to which the whole of Islam goes "Wha?"; Hinduism: "Nah!"; or Buddhism: "Ssh!".