Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 842
I used to think it was corny to be in love but actually it's corny to lose an awesome woman! Real talk.
A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit. Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist, except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness.
In ancient times they sacrificed the virgins. Men were not about to sacrifice the sluts!
I won't talk about what it was like in prison, except to say I'm glad I'm out and that I plan never to go back and to pay my taxes every day.
Some bad things have been happening to me. A pervert called me. Five times. Collect. And that damn fool won't tell me where he lives. And my fan club broke up today. The guy died.
A girl who is willing to give every ounce of herself to someone, who could never betray her lover, who never suspects maliciousness of anyone, and whose sexuality sleeps in her, waiting to be stirred.
It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time.
Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, "What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!!" Is there such a thing as health food abuse?
I hate it when you really think you're getting something good... and you don't listen to your dudes when you really should.
I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I’m working with my left and right hand. I’m the two-sided coin. I’m all of those metaphors you can think of. I’m the interracial couple. I’m BET and CBS.
After every horror we’re told, “Now the healing can begin.” No. There’s no healing – just a short pause before the next horror.
He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.
Most Americans don't live their lives solely as Democrats or Republicans or conservatives or liberals. Most Americans live their lives that our just a little bit late for something they have to do. Often it’s something they do not want to do, but they do it. Impossible things get done every day that are only made possible by the little, reasonable compromises.