Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 845

Once I realised the value of making people laugh, I got very good at it. Fast.

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.

If you have more fish on your wall than pictures, you might be a redneck.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.

When I’m not working, I think and I think when I get depressed.

Ever since I started to get recognition I've picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them.

I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.

Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.

I was so hot, I sweated like Mel Gibson at a bar mitzvah!

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".

You might be a redneck if people hear your car long before they see it.

“You’re saying I have to whack off in the lobby?”

I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.

But you get past that and realize you have to let go of what you think you want. There'll be plenty of time for that later. Right now, go and be with that baby. Just play with this beautiful little boy.