Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 845
I found our cat the other day. I would have found him a week ago, but we have a grass bag on our lawnmower.
If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber’s calf, he would’ve never started Christianity.
I hope I make people feel better. I hope I take people out of their situations a little bit and make them happier. That's really why I do what I do.
I once dated a guy who was so dumb he couldn't count to twenty-one unless he was naked.
Whenever people are going through a struggle in life, they get really cliche. They say stuff like, “I’m taking it one day at a time. Just taking it one day at a time.” You know who else is? Everybody. ‘Cause that’s how time works.
Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.
The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
When you're famous you can't go to Topshop. Even when I disguise myself in a moustache, baseball cap, sunglasses - the full Madonna kit - it doesn't work: my stupid face is too big
If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six "fucks" in it.
Also, I realized a lot of kids are listening to me. Whether I want to be or not, they're looking up to me.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
They shouldn’t call anything a boot camp unless you’re going off to war. Standup boot camp has been a fantastic thing, for the people putting it on. They keep you out in the woods and won’t let you come back until you’re funny. Lenny Bruce came up with his Religions Inc. bit on a day hike.