Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 845
George Hamilton, you’re like Tang. You’re dry and orange and nobody has given a fuck about you since 1968.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the fuck is the ceiling.
Right now we're teaching them that the game is fun. If they learn it's fun, they always go back to it again in clinics and in schools.
Do you think when Arabs give their kids toy cars, they say “you can only use this once.”?
We do it all the time, we legislate taste. We do it with the tax code. Churches and children get a tax break, because it's assumed that we all agree that we want to encourage churches and children. I don't. I don't. That's my opinion. I don't want to encourage either churches or children, and it's a very bad idea to put them together.
It's not about trying to be funny all the time. It's more of a document that hopefully is funny.
It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
Everybody gives money and blankets and candy to septuplet families. You go on Oprah Winfrey. Oprah pays for all the kids to go to college. Oprah gives you a mini van. And that’s hypocritical. ‘Cause there’s plenty of women in this country with six kids. Granted they had them by five different men… Six kids, five different men, you ain’t on Oprah. You’re on Maury Povich for a paternity test.
My great great grandmother was a cunt in the late eighteen hundreds, long before it was popular to be a cunt.
North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.
If you have more fish on your wall than pictures, you might be a redneck.
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.