Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 846
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.
You might be a redneck if you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.
I’ll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
I'm not that promiscuous; she was. I mean, I should have known. I mean, she put a triangle over the bed. Before we made love, which was sad, she went, 'Come and get it.'
I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.
The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is my roof?"
My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory...He's a spastic.
Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
What's with this sudden choice of disorders we get right now? When I was a kid, we just had crazy people. That's it, just crazy people.
I won't talk about what it was like in prison, except to say I'm glad I'm out and that I plan never to go back and to pay my taxes every day.