Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 846

I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them.

I had sex in a bottle bank once because I care about the planet.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

I liked Amsterdam. I spent $2,000 window shopping.

Right now we're teaching them that the game is fun. If they learn it's fun, they always go back to it again in clinics and in schools.

George W. Bush says he spends sixty to ninety minutes a day working out. He says he works out because it clears his mind. Sometimes just a little too much.

I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.

I love Tinkle, it's really the most fun I've had in years.

The Devil: And finally, Christians. Christians? Ah yes, I'm sorry. I'm afraid the Jews were right.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president...' and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'

I'm great in bed when I'm alone.

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."