Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 846

It's never just a game when you're winning.

The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.

I have a beard. Just not on my face...

I ain't afraid to die fat -- that's my pallbearers' worry.

I have such disdain for anybody who gets joy out of blowing the stuffing out of a little woodland creature, that I don't really care if any of them gets shot.

New York is great though. If you're here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant.

Stand-up is hard.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.

I don't like to drink alone 'cause there's nobody to fight with.

Sorry about your continent, but it’s time to make money.

I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.

I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape.