Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 846
Marriage is just an elaborate game that allows two selfish people to periodically feel that they're not.
The Universe is very, very big. It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules. Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever. Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.
Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
How is it possible to miss a woman whom you kept at a distance, so that when she was gone you would not miss her?
A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit. Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist, except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
She tried to get even with him through psychological warfare but couldn't, because he didn't care.
God lets you be successful because he trusts you that you will do the right thing with it. Now, does he get disappointed often? All the time, because people get there and they forget how they got it.
Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, "What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!!" Is there such a thing as health food abuse?
President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.