Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 847

Christian deodorant: "Thou shalt not smell."

Old is always fifteen years from now.

I got really lost last year. But I can’t be lonely though. Cause we’re all stuck here. I wanted to make something that says no matter how bad you fuck up, or mistakes you’ve made during the year, your life, your eternity. You’re always allowed to be better. You’re always allowed to grow up. If you want.

I thought I got a girl pregnant once. She called me up. She’s like, “I think I’m pregnant.” I was like, “The number you have reached…”

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are "geographically undesirable."

No one is a natural – you have to work at being a natural.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.

My movies are okay, but they're not my specials.

Some men are heterosexual, and some men are homosexual, and some men don't think about sex at all. They become lawyers.

Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.