Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 847
My wife is a light eater - as soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.
I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".
The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.
Whenever people are going through a struggle in life, they get really cliche. They say stuff like, “I’m taking it one day at a time. Just taking it one day at a time.” You know who else is? Everybody. ‘Cause that’s how time works.
If I waited for you to teach Lee (Mack) to speak properly we’d be here all night.
As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.
I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.
Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele -- should be fun -- and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.
I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, "Hey, you hungry?"