Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 848

You might think that’s an exaggeration but believe me, if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.

You're with someone for like 2 weeks in and you're like, "Fuck, no way. I can't stand this person. I'll stay around for 5-6 years and we can end this thing violently, I got time.

Dear Momma - Wherever you are, if ever you hear the word 'nigger' again, remember they are advertising my book.

At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

You might be a redneck if you celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

I felt audiences are happier to take comedy people who play darker people because there's a link between the psychosis of comedy and the psychosis of being a twisted character.

The material comes from whenever you realize that you and someone else have something in common. So any conversation you've had more than once, anything you see happening to you that you see happening to a friend, you go, "Hmmm, that's a situation I can make funny."

Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move the chair.

Ginger did everything Fred did, only backwards and in High Heels!

There are so many beautiful parts of the world... Thailand, Italy, the south of France. There are places in Spain that are astonishing. But here... 25 miles and you go up on Mount Tam to see the fog come in; 25 miles the other direction and you're somewhere else that takes your breath away. There's no question this is where I want to live. Never has been.

I feel like I'm a big human snot.

Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.

Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card – "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."

I hope I make people feel better. I hope I take people out of their situations a little bit and make them happier. That's really why I do what I do.