Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 848
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".
Mel Gibson is losing it. I don't know how people still supporting this dude's movies like it's all good. That dude is nuts. All you gotta do is shut him down and don't support any of his movies.
Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit. Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist, except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness.
What's with this sudden choice of disorders we get right now? When I was a kid, we just had crazy people. That's it, just crazy people.
I won't talk about what it was like in prison, except to say I'm glad I'm out and that I plan never to go back and to pay my taxes every day.
There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.
Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It’s just us flexing our Semitic muscles.
The Marines was a fresh start - that is why they shave your head. I wish they would let you change your name.
Don’t forget to turn your clocks back today if you don’t want your clocks to be set to the right time.
If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.