Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 849

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.

It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it: The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.

I would say, as far as heckling, there’s benign and there’s malignant; like tumors man. Sometimes you get really nice hecklers. I’d say percentage-wise it’s only about 10 to 20 percent the whole year.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is my roof?"

I have a beard. Just not on my face...

Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.

There's nothing to fear but life itself.

If you're keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U.S. serviceman for being gay. I don’t know how you get to the right with this crowd but Ron Paul’s new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing.

I don't have to worry about writing jokes. I just tell stories about things that have happened to me. As long as I'm alive and I'm living and I'm experiencing different things every day, the show will always change.

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

I won't talk about what it was like in prison, except to say I'm glad I'm out and that I plan never to go back and to pay my taxes every day.

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.