Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 849
Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?
Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.
I would describe my spirituality as exactly the opposite of having a religious affiliation.
Okra is the closest thing to nylon I`ve ever eaten. It`s like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.
That's ended, that's over. I want you to meet my pimps. I thought, I'm a show-business ho already, so I might as well be a real ho.
The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.
I definitely want to be with somebody who doesn't feel lost or in my shadow.
A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You’d just be like, "I am bike cheese." Because you wouldn’t know what words were.
Pol Pot - he rounded up anybody he thought was intellectual and had them executed. And how he told someone was intellectual or not was whether they wore glasses. If they're that clever, take them off when they see him coming!
I guess I don't have to point this out, that it's the second time I've hosted the Emmys after a national tragedy. And I just want to say that I'm honored because it's times like this that we really need laughter.
When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.
Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It’s just us flexing our Semitic muscles.
She had destroyed whatever was between us by making a profound gaffe: She met me.