Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 849

The best comedy, I feel, comes in a drama because it balances each other out.

I went through every phone book in Africa, and I didn't find one goddamned Pryor!

If a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a shit, he genuinely doesn’t give a shit. No exceptions.

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.

If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum.

I found out who the spirit was that designed the Winchester Mystery House. Helen Keller.

The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started.

I had sex in a bottle bank once because I care about the planet.

My God! I beat a man insensible with a strawberry!

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

Everybody gives money and blankets and candy to septuplet families. You go on Oprah Winfrey. Oprah pays for all the kids to go to college. Oprah gives you a mini van. And that’s hypocritical. ‘Cause there’s plenty of women in this country with six kids. Granted they had them by five different men… Six kids, five different men, you ain’t on Oprah. You’re on Maury Povich for a paternity test.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

I will outlaw bullshit. After the passage of this law the patriarchy will inevitably start to crumble as will the concept of war itself which is largely a large load of bullshit.