Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 849
Way back in the day, like in the 1990s, if you wanted to tell everyone you ate waffles for breakfast, you couldn’t just go on the internet and tweet it out. There was only one way to do it. You had to go outside and scream at the top of your lungs, 'I ate waffles for breakfast!' That’s why so many people ended up in institutions. They seemed crazy, but when you think about it, they were just ahead of their time.
Judah Friedlander, I’m ok with you being the world champion for a few years more. That’s a hook with legs. But I think he should make one more hat, that says ‘there’s a limit to how funny words on a hat can be’. And then move to a chapeau.
Elizabeth Taylor, who recently built a halfway house for girls who don't want to go all the way. Never got a dinner!
I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
It never fails - you get in the bath and there's a rub at the lamp.
I was getting dressed and a peeping Tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
I can apply myself to the format of 'SNL,' I can apply myself to the format of 'Conan,' but at the same time, I'm still being J. B. Smoove. I'm not changing up my style, I'm not changing up how I think, what's funny to me, my delivery, the way I carry myself.
Marriage is just an elaborate game that allows two selfish people to periodically feel that they're not.
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
The Universe is very, very big. It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules. Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever. Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.