Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 865
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
True beauty is not related to what color your hair is or what color your eyes are. True beauty is about who you are as a human being, your principles, your moral compass.
We didn't have rehab back in the Seventies. Back in the Seventies, rehab meant you stopped doing coke, but you kept smoking pot and drinking for a couple more weeks.
I don’t drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.
When I did the sitcom I was too naive. I thought, Well, they know what they're talking about, let's do that.
The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.
I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable.
Iraq is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area.
This dude walks up to me wearing a cape - he was wearing a cape - and he just said, 'Dude, do you know what time it is?' I was like, 'You're just gonna ask me that like you're not wearing a cape? It's time to take off that dumbass cape.'
As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.
There have been two different drafts of the script. The hard part about following it up is at the end of the first one, he revealed his identity to his kids. How do you play that out? How does she come back? One of the ideas was that he'd go to New York because his daughter was going to college and he'd be nearby. But as a script, it never worked.
I suppose doing things you hate is just the price you pay to avoid loneliness.
Lee Iacocca, who said to Dolly Parton, "Why do you need an airbag?" Never got a dinner!