Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 865
We went to a Barnes and Noble, where I picked up an unauthorized biography of M.C. Hammer, and not wanting to overload her on her first book, I steered Dumb Dumb toward a Choose Your Own Adventure.
Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.
Fox hunting, there's big fox hunting thing, there’s arguments in Britain about fox hunting. And they go around. They obviously hunt foxes because the foxes, they attack chickens. And posh people have an alliance with chickens just like in the First World War.
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed … into my mouth.
So, I used to be a music teacher. I used to teach K-5 music here in New York City. I taught the recorder. Are you guys familiar with Satan's little flute? If there's music in Hell, I assure you, it is played on a recorder.
I'm a little different from the average dude because I'm on high-def TV now.
I'm just like yeast - I eat sugar and I shit alcohol. And there's a huge culture that goes with that. Alcohol creates massive shifts in world history, and it changes people's lives. People get pregnant because of alcohol. But the yeast doesn't give a fuck. The yeast isn't going, "I really want to help people loosen up and bring passion into Irish people's lives."
Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't see.
Lance Bass has a new autobiography titled Out of Sync. We don’t need to read it, we already know how it ends - Justin is really successful, and Lance is gay.
An intruder broke into Mike Tyson's hotel room in Las Vegas while he was sleeping but got out before Tyson could get to him. I don't know what's scarier. Having someone breaking into your room while you're sleeping or breaking into someone else's room and finding out the guy is Mike Tyson.