Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 865

James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was.

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

That is not a Bob Hope joke! That is a no hope joke.

We're not allowed to do anything to nature anymore, except look at it. It's like porn with leaves.

Fang said if they had used my figure for the hourglass, the day would be very short.

You might be a redneck if the taillight covers of your car are made of tape.

I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day.

I'm a wiseass and a smartass, and I always have been.

You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

I believe in love the verb, not the noun.

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.

Girls who used to tell me I ain't cool enough now text me pics saying you can tear this up!

If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

Now, I think the people who are still doing stand-up are doing it because they love stand-up.

We're told that they were zealots fueled by religious fervour ... religious fervour and if you live to be a thousand years old will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamn sense?