Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 864
As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.
Lady’s like, “Sorry sir, we don’t have Internet service in all our hotel rooms. But don’t worry, we have free wireless in the lobby.”
I think it's a comedian's job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits.
Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.
I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.
In fact, I had the idea because of Peter Falk. I saw my dad watching a Peter Falk movie and something clicked in my head. I gotta go make a movie for Peter Falk and me.
I like groaning. That means that you're not pandering to their already settled prejudices.
Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.
Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind.
I've become this sort of icon for the gay community. I don't like the position.
Writing is a very strenuous thing - it's like banging your head against a wall. At the end of the day, acting is better, just because nobody ever asked me if I wanted a Pellegrino in the writer's room.
You don’t gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you’re about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, "would you like some road head?"
Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.