Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 864

My dad's like, "If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?"

It never fails - you get in the bath and there's a rub at the lamp.

Lee Iacocca, who said to Dolly Parton, "Why do you need an airbag?" Never got a dinner!

Whitney Houston rear-ended a city bus with her sports car, but no one was hurt. She said she didn't know what happened. One minute she was concentrating on the big white line, and the next, boom!

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

In fact, I had the idea because of Peter Falk. I saw my dad watching a Peter Falk movie and something clicked in my head. I gotta go make a movie for Peter Falk and me.

Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

I've become this sort of icon for the gay community. I don't like the position.

Gandhi, who went to Wendy’s and asked, "Where’s the belief?" Never got a dinner!

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

When you’re reaching for a star, there’s a long way to fall.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

In my first year I was taught about the slide rule. They said, "The slide rule is important. Without it you can do nothing. The slide rule is the modern weapon of efficiency. With the slide rule you can get from here to the stars. Buy it, use it – your slide rule!" Within one year it was, "Burn the slide rule. The calculator can add up with none of this fucking sliding the shit around and working out where that bit in the middle goes. Smash it over your head."