Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 864
When you're coming out, you have to deal with the whole world saying 'Oh! You're an abominable snowman'.
The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.
I'm just like yeast - I eat sugar and I shit alcohol. And there's a huge culture that goes with that. Alcohol creates massive shifts in world history, and it changes people's lives. People get pregnant because of alcohol. But the yeast doesn't give a fuck. The yeast isn't going, "I really want to help people loosen up and bring passion into Irish people's lives."
Was watching CNN one night, the first Gulf War, they are sitting around in the Baghdad hotel, the No Roof Inn or something, and they're watching "the Bachelor," and it's a little harder for the bachelor over there because it's tough to tell who's hot under the Burqua. They had just ordered some hummuus and smores from room service and all of a sudden a gallaga game broke out.
Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes and Noble. Bring your own book... I haven't written one yet.
Lance Bass has a new autobiography titled Out of Sync. We don’t need to read it, we already know how it ends - Justin is really successful, and Lance is gay.
If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.
I used to make love to Green Day's music. But 9 minutes? I'm not Superman.
I didn't come from a background where I saw a lot of loving couples. All my aunts and uncles were either split up or fighting all the time. The only healthy relationships I saw were on TV.
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.