Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 873

Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

I do what I do because I love it.

Wittiest thing I’ve heard? Jim Tavares, when he was doing stand-up at the Comedy Store in 1988, and opened with “I’m a schizophrenic.” Some wag shouted out “why don’t you both fuck off?”

Heroin’s like having oral sex and, at the same time, a puppy’s licking your face. You don’t want that.

When a bird gets sucked into an engine they call it "bird strike". It's not bird strike, it's "engine suck"!

Cut me off, I’ll curtsy on your ass.

My movies are okay, but they're not my specials.

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

I went through every phone book in Africa, and I didn't find one goddamned Pryor!

You might be a redneck if your dogs name is Miller Light.

You know, before I would think, my cab driver hates me. Now I think my limo driver hates me.

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

It's hard to have a career.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.