Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 872
Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.
I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day...Chlamydia.
Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.
I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is - reading the news or speaking to people.
I talked about everything, man. I’ve always written material that everyone can laugh at. I talked about growing up. I did a lot of physical comedy. That was my thing. I was a physical comedian. I did anything and everything from running on a treadmill, I can paint a picture on stage of anything.