Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 889

My fondest childhood memory is when I was twelve years old. I made out with my babysitter, Cathy. She stops in the middle of everything. “We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore.”<br /> “Why? I’m not paying you? My parents are!”

Without the laughs, the audience wouldn’t be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.

This concludes our broadcast day. Click.

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.

As I was leaving this morning, I said to myself 'the last thing you must do is forget your speech.' And sure enough, as I left the house this morning, the last thing I did was to forget my speech.

I've moved about 10 times over the past 15 years. I don't move for the sole purpose of getting rid of stuff. I'm not crazy. I also move so that I never have to wash any windows.

My favorite song right now is impossible to defend. It's impossible. We should all be ashamed of ourselves for liking this fucking song. Lil Jon. You know that shit: "To the window! To the wall! [crowd sings along] 'Till the sweat drip from my balls! Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!" You go to clubs, you see girls dance to that shit. "Till the sweat drip from my balls! Till the sweat drip from my balls! From my balls! From my balls! My balls! Skeet, Skeet Skeet!" I feel sorry for the guys that gotta pick a wife out of this bunch. It's like, "Daddy, where'd you meet Mommy?" "Oh, she was singing about balls at a club. Skeet, skeet, skeet!"

I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around.

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike...dances with wildlife...

At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.

I was raped by a doctor. Which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl…

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

We had the real rednecks where I grew up. The kind of guys that can use the N-word and “Jesus” in the same sentence and mean ‘em both.