Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 889
There are so many beautiful parts of the world... Thailand, Italy, the south of France. There are places in Spain that are astonishing. But here... 25 miles and you go up on Mount Tam to see the fog come in; 25 miles the other direction and you're somewhere else that takes your breath away. There's no question this is where I want to live. Never has been.
Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'
Iraq is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area.
We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about?'
To combat social awkwardness, I would just act like I couldn't be bothered - that kind of aloof persona or aloof demeanor. It's so off-putting.
My grandfather likes to give me advise, but he's a little forgetful. One day, he took me aside and left me there.
I think everyone probably starts out sounding like someone else, but gradually you develop your own sound.
The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick.
The Apple Store in New York is like a big white glistening cathedral of twats. Before you even have your foot in the door, there is some wanktard in your face with a fringe. ‘Hey buddy, my name’s Drew. What brings you to the Apple Store today, hombre?’ I’m here to buy a phone, not make a friend, piss off!
I'm big on facial expressions, and I'm big on mannerisms, which I find to be hilarious.
I've good kids, I love my kids. I try to bring them up the right way, not spanking them. I find that I don't have to spank them. I find that waving the gun around pretty much gets the same job done!
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
Gary Hart, who said, "She didn't sit on my yacht; she sat on my dinghy!" Never got a dinner!
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?