Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 890

One night I asked Fang to kiss me goodnight. He got up and put on his work clothes.

Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.

I joined an astrology club and every week we meet and discuss the stars. This week we're discussing Paul Newman.

I'm always fucking childish, you knew that when you met me!

Like I said, all comedy is based on exaggeration, big or small, whatever you can get away with.

Nevada's one of the most conservative states in the Union, but you can do what you want in Vegas and nobody judges you.

I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day.

You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

I feel like people who don’t brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they’re hiding something more even exciting.

I love singing along to the radio while I’m riding in the back of a squad car.

Did you slip in some cheese? Did it make you hate cheese, which you had previously loved? Why not sue a cheese-maker? Sue him for all the cheese he's got, drive him out of the cheese-making business! Did you burn your face with an iron? Why not sue Prometheus, the god that invented fire? Or an Iron Age chieftain, for having the temerity to popularise the metal.

Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris - sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.

When I play poker, I don't like losing the pot.

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

You’re not a fan of Dale Earnhardt, you’re a fan of someone else that will take a risk so you can sit your fat faggot ass on a couch and have some slow drip morphine injection of adrenaline so you don’t have to do anything!