Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 890

I'm trying to be the Jay-Z of comedy one day. I don't know if there's any comedy moguls out there, but I would love to be the first comedy mogul.

I love how New York is so multi-cultural. I wish I was ethnic. “Cause if you’re Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, “He’s got a Latin temper.” But if you’re a white guy and you get angry, people are like, “That guy’s a jerk.”

I ain't afraid to die fat -- that's my pallbearers' worry.

90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on.

Steven Spielberg’s mother, who said to E.T., "I don't care where you're from, you're here and you're gonna get bar mitzvahed!" Never got a dinner!

I really hope cell phones aren't bad for us, but I would like the excuse: 'I can't talk right now. You're giving me cancer.'

If you can see the handwriting on the wall … you're on the toilet.

Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked.

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

What do you think you should do if you’re attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that’s a lie promoted by the bears.

I think real life reflects your movies. In your life, you pick stuff that influences what movie roles you wanna pick. I think if you've got an interesting life, you wanna do interesting movies about interesting things.

It's up to couples, to individuals, to have a trust between each other.

And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

Cheaters never prosper. Because they suck.