Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 890
When I'm sick I don't shake hands. I say hello by putting my fingers in your mouth.
Even at home, on my stationary exercise bike, I have a rearview mirror.
It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?
I wear ear condoms. I don't even want to listen to what I might be contracting.
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer "If I should die before I wake"? I had sheets that said that!
No children were abused in the making of this show. No one was hurt and no Islamic cartoons were used. You know, for those of you that can't take a fucking joke.
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
One day, there will be a Latino president. It could be the mayor of San Antonio. And when he’s all crudo, he can send his brother out there.
Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."