Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 888

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

A free book that comes to my house full of nothing but women in their underwear? God Bless America!

Housewife porn is the only morally appropriate kind, because they're all in healthy, committed relationships.

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was shout for help.

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he’s been pushed for money ever since.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Supreme Court says pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts… Hmm… sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me. You know when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial… I ain’t thinking about gum.

In America, with all of its evils and faults, you can still reach through the forest and see the sun. But we don't know yet whether that sun is rising or setting for our country.

I never thought that intolerance would be patriotic.

I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.

I've moved about 10 times over the past 15 years. I don't move for the sole purpose of getting rid of stuff. I'm not crazy. I also move so that I never have to wash any windows.

You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.