Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 888

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

I really hope cell phones aren't bad for us, but I would like the excuse: 'I can't talk right now. You're giving me cancer.'

If you can see the handwriting on the wall … you're on the toilet.

I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "Pick up, I know you're there." And she says the same thing back, "How'd you get this new number?"

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "

When sex is good theres nothing better, when its bad its not bad.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for a doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this.