Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 888

The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.

I don’t like any nastiness on tv unless it’s coming from me.

Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.

I've been a comedian since I was fourteen. But I've never really been a CEO.

This is not the most right I've ever been.

If you can see the handwriting on the wall … you're on the toilet.

Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked.

Over the years I've received thousands of e-mails looking for guidance. Some have real problems; some talk about monkeys and poo - though those people may also have real problems.

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

What do you think you should do if you’re attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that’s a lie promoted by the bears.

T-bone you can't talk to Ced like that, just cause your life is messed up. It ain't his fault your third wife left you for your second wife.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

I think real life reflects your movies. In your life, you pick stuff that influences what movie roles you wanna pick. I think if you've got an interesting life, you wanna do interesting movies about interesting things.

It's up to couples, to individuals, to have a trust between each other.