Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 891

But if that's what you want to be, that's what you will be - as long as you study.

My therapist thinks I'd be better off living in a dream-state.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

You know, where I come from, an antique, to be called an antique, it has to be at least a hundred years old. That's a law: before you can call something an antique, it has to be a hundred years old. In L.A., something that's been around for a couple of weeks is an antique. It's true! People are like, "Look at this old-fashioned iPod. Look at this! It's the size of a man's hand! Ha ha ha ha. Back then-back then, people thought Mel Gibson was just acting crazy. It was a very different time."

What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the "Shawshank Redemption" of late night!

A new study shows that American students are becoming less proficient in science, and if the trend continues, we will become a nation that’s science and chemistry illiterate. And you thought a lot of meth labs are blowing up now?

There’s a relationship between men and their machines that goes way beyond what we can put into words. (Ironically, there’s a relationship between women and words that goes way beyond what men could ever comprehend.)

It's hard to have a career.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

I bought a portable cable TV.

I'm a lesbian, an Aquarian, and a vegetarian.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"

I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around.

Like most sharks, Margaret liked to think of herself as a victim of the cruel sea.