Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 891

I was wondering if Circuit City could possibly make their receipts just a little bit longer.

There's no place like home that's why I never went back.

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he’s been pushed for money ever since.

In America, with all of its evils and faults, you can still reach through the forest and see the sun. But we don't know yet whether that sun is rising or setting for our country.

Being white is a job in America. You take that away, you better get the soldiers out.

I never thought that intolerance would be patriotic.

Whenever you take over something that is popular and has a fanatical following that loves it, you're never going to please everyone. The trick is to have enough wherewithal to follow through with what you want to do with it and give it time to evolve.

You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.

I had a very difficult childhood. I was surrounded by people who had both parents, which made me feel different. Having a bit of a rougher existence early on, it made me appreciate the work ethic that my grandparents instilled in me.

My daughter’s tricycle said “Some Assembly Required.” It came in a jar.

I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.

One time I put a WWJD bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist. It burned his skin. He threw it on the ground and it turned into a snake. We both laughed. We hate snakes. We think snakes are slimy, even though we know they're not.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Everybody I hire is more fucked up than I am.