Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 892
I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.
Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because "They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug." These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.
It's like Platoon. You've got all this fucking stuff; you have an impossible amount of shit to carry, and usually, a kid sometimes too. And I see parents all over the place with skinny little ankles and, you know, with no particular features and they just, life's worn them down to a basic like human shape, you know. Their personality and whatever they, the lines in their face and the chiseling is gone. They're just this thing and it's like ant strength, and you just have to, you just have to do it to get through whatever fucking, you know, we've got to get from here to there. And she didn't want to be here any more, and she has to go to the bathroom, and I've got a stroller.
When it comes down to it, we're really just a big ant farm with beepers.
Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?
I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.
What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the "Shawshank Redemption" of late night!
A new study shows that American students are becoming less proficient in science, and if the trend continues, we will become a nation that’s science and chemistry illiterate. And you thought a lot of meth labs are blowing up now?
Couldn't we have just sent Saddam a mad cow burger and a Paxil and been done with it in, like, '03?
We need porno for guys like me. $2.99, I don’t need the whole $12.99. Hell, I never get to the second scene. It’s always better. “Oh shit! I should of waited. She’s got bigger titties. Shit! There’s twins!”
Without the laughs, the audience wouldn’t be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.