Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 892
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
When I'm sick I don't shake hands. I say hello by putting my fingers in your mouth.
My sister is a personal trainer. That’s a touch job. I don’t think I can do that. You have to help people with their fitness goals. “Can you help me define my abs?” “Yeah disgusting, sloppy, gelatinous.”
They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.
The worst thing to call somebody is "crazy". It's dismissive. I don't understand this person, so they're crazy. That's bullshit! People are not crazy. They are strong people...Maybe the environment is a little sick.
I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?
During the cold war, West Berlin was an "exclave" - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.
The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, who said, "This isn't a hump. I ate a canteloupe and it backed up on me." Never got a dinner!
I still get scared at night. Every tiny creak, every little noise, I open my eyes real wide and listen with them. Have you noticed that? When it’s dark and you can’t see a thing, you open your eyes really wide and glance back and force, like your eyes become your ears?
How is it that this debate has been twisted on its head, that somehow those that advocate peace and diplomacy are anti-American? Or those that advocate peace are anti-troops or pro-Saddam?
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
Anyone you give a ton of money to is going to go slightly crazy. I don't think comedians are particularly special in that regard; they just are better or more vocal in their expressions of their craziness.
In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.