Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 892

We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about?'

During the cold war, West Berlin was an "exclave" - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.

I think everyone probably starts out sounding like someone else, but gradually you develop your own sound.

My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer "If I should die before I wake"? I had sheets that said that!

I'm big on facial expressions, and I'm big on mannerisms, which I find to be hilarious.

I've good kids, I love my kids. I try to bring them up the right way, not spanking them. I find that I don't have to spank them. I find that waving the gun around pretty much gets the same job done!

You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!”

I think Desperate Housewives is a pretty good show, I watch it, I like it and I don't love reality tv that much. I do watch some, I've got three daughters so we'll watch the good stuff, the fun stuff.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

Gary Hart, who said, "She didn't sit on my yacht; she sat on my dinghy!" Never got a dinner!

I have big hands. I can't do the touch-screen thing. I'm a button guy. I want to press buttons.

[responding to scattered audience applause] Ah, lovely: the ripple, the ripple there. That's nearly the Zen clap of acceptance there, wasn't it?

You might be a redneck if you wear someone else's work shirt.

Black men struggle with masculinity so much. The idea that we must always be strong really presses us all down - it keeps us from growing.

If you support the second amendment, then let me exercise my support of our first amendment: you’re a fucking idiot. Do you even know what the third amendment is? The right to kick soldiers out of your house when the Revolutionary War is over.