Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 893

Mel Gibson is losing it. I don't know how people still supporting this dude's movies like it's all good. That dude is nuts. All you gotta do is shut him down and don't support any of his movies.

I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, "Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!?" And Batman said, "Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through." Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.

This year, all students WILL be wearing clothes under their graduation outfits or we will press charges!

Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance.

I'm at the register in the clothing store, and i put a pair of pants on the counter. The lady says "You Gonna Buy Those" I said "Nope gonna steal them, just wanna let you see them before I do" Here's your sign!

I masturbate ‘cause I’m the only one whose standards are low enough to FUCK ME.

My ego wears an Ace bandage.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?

I love singing along to the radio while I’m riding in the back of a squad car.

Nothing is happening but I'll ruin it.

We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it.

But if that's what you want to be, that's what you will be - as long as you study.