Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 893
There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.
My mother was the sweetest lady who ever lived on this planet, but if you tried to tell her that Jesus wasn't a Christian, she would stomp you to death.
I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
The biggest battle for a lot of people who come out of the theater, which is where I was trained, is that they can never forget that a camera is pointed at them.
But I’ve often said that if I had - I have two dogs - if I had two retarded children, I’d be a hero. And yet the dogs, which are pretty much the same thing. What? They’re sweet. They’re loving. They’re kind, but they don’t mentally advance at all. Dogs are like retarded children.
I was raped by a doctor. Which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl…
One time I put a WWJD bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist. It burned his skin. He threw it on the ground and it turned into a snake. We both laughed. We hate snakes. We think snakes are slimy, even though we know they're not.
Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.
I don't know if you know about pilots. The way in which our country generates television, they take one episode, one, and then they take that episode, produce it, and show it to a room filled with monkeys. And if the monkeys don't shit themselves, you might have a hit!
I’d love the ability to give someone an orgasm just by touching them.
I was in New York City, performing at an epilepsy benefit. Had ‘em rolling in the aisles.
The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.