Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 897

I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.

Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.

I was in New York City, performing at an epilepsy benefit. Had ‘em rolling in the aisles.

Buddha, much like everyone else has good and bad days.

You might be a redneck if your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I DON'T have EX's! I have Y's. Like 'Y the hell did I date you?!'

During the cold war, West Berlin was an "exclave" - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'.

I have so little sex appeal my gynaecologist calls me "sir".

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years.