Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 897

I don’t understand the whole concept of a massage. You get a woman to rub all over every single part of your body except the one part you really want rubbed on.

Because when you say "shit", it makes them cry. "Why didn't he say 'poopie'? Why didn't he say 'poopie'?"

"No comment" is a comment.

Oh yes, I've tried my hand at sex.

The value of holding a grudge. And to always refer to my father sarcastically as Mr. Wonderful.

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.

Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.

I was raped by a doctor. Which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl…

You're with someone for like 2 weeks in and you're like, "Fuck, no way. I can't stand this person. I'll stay around for 5-6 years and we can end this thing violently, I got time.

Children are like poems. They're beautiful - to their creators - but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.

When a girl’s a screamer during sex, she’s either positive or negative. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” or the complete opposite, “No! No! No!” Just once, I want to hear a girl right in the middle. “Maybe! Maybe! Maybe!”

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.