Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 896

Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance.

My ego wears an Ace bandage.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?

Nothing is happening but I'll ruin it.

The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.

We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

We got no Whoppers. You kids quit screwin' around. We got no Whoppers here. Don't make me come out there.

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.

Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because "They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug." These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.

That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.