Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 896
Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.
The worst thing to call somebody is "crazy". It's dismissive. I don't understand this person, so they're crazy. That's bullshit! People are not crazy. They are strong people...Maybe the environment is a little sick.
I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
I had temping jobs also. I liked the flexibility. There was no asking for time off; you just didn't work.
During the cold war, West Berlin was an "exclave" - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.
[After having made an abortion joke] I know that can hit close to home for some people....was anyone here aborted?... (mimicking child's voice:) 'I was found in a trash can!' Okay, well, that sorta counts...
I still get scared at night. Every tiny creak, every little noise, I open my eyes real wide and listen with them. Have you noticed that? When it’s dark and you can’t see a thing, you open your eyes really wide and glance back and force, like your eyes become your ears?
An Orthodox Jewish vampire, who was so Kosher that he wouldn't suck a neck unless it was salted first. Never got a dinner!
I think Desperate Housewives is a pretty good show, I watch it, I like it and I don't love reality tv that much. I do watch some, I've got three daughters so we'll watch the good stuff, the fun stuff.
Next Fall Dr. Drew has a new show coming out: Overdosing with the Stars.
In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.