Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 896
When it comes down to it, we're really just a big ant farm with beepers.
Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?
What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the "Shawshank Redemption" of late night!
World AIDS Day is the one day of the year that it's okay to totally ignore lesbians.
I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
The Jackass movies are honestly some of the best movies I've ever seen. I laugh so hard at them. Those guys are geniuses. If they had grown up with a different group of people, they could've been performance artists at Bard College, and people would be writing papers about them.
The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they're going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket.
You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean?
But I’ve often said that if I had - I have two dogs - if I had two retarded children, I’d be a hero. And yet the dogs, which are pretty much the same thing. What? They’re sweet. They’re loving. They’re kind, but they don’t mentally advance at all. Dogs are like retarded children.