Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 898
How is it that this debate has been twisted on its head, that somehow those that advocate peace and diplomacy are anti-American? Or those that advocate peace are anti-troops or pro-Saddam?
This dude walks up to me wearing a cape - he was wearing a cape - and he just said, 'Dude, do you know what time it is?' I was like, 'You're just gonna ask me that like you're not wearing a cape? It's time to take off that dumbass cape.'
It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, "My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye!"
When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool.
The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
I own a hundred and fifty books, but no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
It’s important to spend time with them... I want my grandchildren to be brought up the same way I raised my children.
I never throw parties. Ya know why? Because afterward you always walk around going "What the fuck did they take? Where’s my mom?"
Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
I don't think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.
I thought about going to NYU film school - that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of grades in high school.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
How proud you were when they named you America's best... then you found out they meant America's beast!
I don't miss the economic insecurity, the living paycheck to paycheck.