Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 898

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."

My fondest childhood memory is when I was twelve years old. I made out with my babysitter, Cathy. She stops in the middle of everything. “We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore.”<br /> “Why? I’m not paying you? My parents are!”

It was raining cats and dogs, and I fell in a poodle.

I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.

What a fergalicious day were having!

Faith is part of who I am, yes. I was raised Christian Scientist. The most important thing I saw every single week on the wall at Sunday school was the Golden Rule.

There's no place like home that's why I never went back.

“Because he wrote it in Sarcastica! If he had enjoyed himself, he would have used Good Times Roman.”

God didn't have an anal plan.

This concludes our broadcast day. Click.

I bought a portable cable TV.

I remember being a kid and the Vietnam War was huge and looking at Watergate.