Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 900
Like most sharks, Margaret liked to think of herself as a victim of the cruel sea.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
Ladies gotta say no to their husbands at the movies. They gotta say: “No, we are watching back-to-back cancer movies. And then this movie about a cat.”
I know her in the biblical sense…and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.
Disneyland celebrated its 40th anniversary by burying a time capsule. They say it will be dug up in 50 years - or when the last person in line at Space Mountain gets to the front, whichever comes first.
My sister is a personal trainer. That’s a touch job. I don’t think I can do that. You have to help people with their fitness goals. “Can you help me define my abs?” “Yeah disgusting, sloppy, gelatinous.”
They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.
You might be a redneck if your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
During the cold war, West Berlin was an "exclave" - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.
You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!”