Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 899
Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because "They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug." These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.
I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm overthinking it to get it right.
A new study shows that American students are becoming less proficient in science, and if the trend continues, we will become a nation that’s science and chemistry illiterate. And you thought a lot of meth labs are blowing up now?
I may not be smart enough to debate you point-for-point on this, but I have the feeling about 60% of what you say is crap.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
I don’t care if you think I’m racist as long as you think I’m a thin racist.
I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.
Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.
I was in New York City, performing at an epilepsy benefit. Had ‘em rolling in the aisles.
Don't you think that being a person of faith has become a third rail in American politics? If you want to run for president nowadays, you'd better get out there and say you're a very faith-based person.
It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, "My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye!"
Who the fuck are you? Get out of my house... and take that fucking bulldozer with you.