Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 899
My friend has a weird relationship with his mother. She breast fed him until he was four. And since then he’s just taken it.
I had a very difficult childhood. I was surrounded by people who had both parents, which made me feel different. Having a bit of a rougher existence early on, it made me appreciate the work ethic that my grandparents instilled in me.
Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a "with" in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
So if there are any ladies out there who fancy a little Emo action... well... I don't want to blow my own horn... Which is why I'm making this offer tonight.
Just found out the hard way that the airbags in my car are quite effective.
Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of "what if" when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized.
In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say "scientists"? I meant "Irish people."
Laugh. Laugh as much as you can. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh. Keep doing it even if people are passing you on the street saying, "I can't tell if that person is laughing or crying, but either way they seem crazy, let's walk faster." Emote. It's okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling.
I was in New York City, performing at an epilepsy benefit. Had ‘em rolling in the aisles.
I don’t understand why anybody would ever beat their children when damaging them psychologically is so much more permanent.