Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 901

Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.

Every time you see him, you only make yourself vulnerable to further heartache. Do you really need further proof that he’s getting on with his life without you?

My fondest childhood memory is when I was twelve years old. I made out with my babysitter, Cathy. She stops in the middle of everything. “We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore.”<br /> “Why? I’m not paying you? My parents are!”

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn’t even have attempted it.

For the first time ever, women are scoring higher than men on IQ tests. Scientists say it has something to do with breast implants - not that it makes the women smarter, it just makes the men dumber.

I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

Faith is part of who I am, yes. I was raised Christian Scientist. The most important thing I saw every single week on the wall at Sunday school was the Golden Rule.

There's no place like home that's why I never went back.

“Because he wrote it in Sarcastica! If he had enjoyed himself, he would have used Good Times Roman.”

God didn't have an anal plan.

You don't run into ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends when you're looking good and want to. Last time I ran into an ex-boyfriend was at three o'clock in the morning at Rite Aid, as I'm ringing up Gas X and corn removers. And I'm like, 'Hey, you. What's up? These are for my grandmother, that old bitch.' He's like, 'Aren't they both dead?' I'm like, 'One of them came back, OK? And she's sick.'

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.

The currency of this show is your own head. They've established a certain structure here, but it's still in evolution.