Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 901
You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists.
I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
I never go perform somewhere alone. I've done that since day one. I've always taken other comics with me.
Oscar is 80 this year, which makes him now automatically the frontrunner for the Republican nomination.
I started doing '30 Rock' and started writing 'Mystery Team' at the beginning of that. While I was doing 'Mystery Team,' I started practicing stand-up. While I was doing stand up, I got 'Community.' It's like I planted trees six years ago, and now they have fruit.
They don't want an educated populace capable of critical thought, sitting around the kitchen table realizing how badly they're getting fucked!
I don't think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.
How proud you were when they named you America's best... then you found out they meant America's beast!
Part of growing up is learning your strengths and weaknesses. What better way to figure out that hand-eye coordination ain't your thing than by getting drilled in the mouth by a red, rubber ball? You only gotta get beaned in the face so many times before you figure out, 'I better hit the books because this is not working out.'
On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.
Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay. After spending all that money on a bachelorette weekend, a shower, and often a flight across the country, they expect you to go to Williams Sonoma or Pottery Barn and do research? Then they send you a thank-you note applauding you for such a thoughtful gift. They're the one who picked it out!
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.