Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 901

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

I wear ear condoms. I don't even want to listen to what I might be contracting.

How great if, as well as creating life in their womb, a woman could use her vagina to make hot fudge sundaes.

I think Desperate Housewives is a pretty good show, I watch it, I like it and I don't love reality tv that much. I do watch some, I've got three daughters so we'll watch the good stuff, the fun stuff.

True Yankees fans know an up-and-coming player when they see one.

One day, there will be a Latino president. It could be the mayor of San Antonio. And when he’s all crudo, he can send his brother out there.

I saw the movie, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and I was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realised why: they're crouching and hidden.

I love to pitch things that I believe in and products that I love to use.

The Invisible Man, who said to his wife, "I don't care if it looks silly, don't stop!" Never got a dinner!

“You’re saying I have to whack off in the lobby?”

My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing.

I own a hundred and fifty books, but no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

Anybody who French bashes just might as well wear a badge that says 'I am a follower! I don't think for myself and I have no idea what I'm talking about.' That would be a French basher.

Did I miss a fucking meeting with the coffee? You can get every other flavor except COFFEE FLAVORED COFFEE! They got mochaccino, they've got chococcino, frapaccino, capaccino, rapaccino, Al Pacino, WHAT THE FUCK! www.whattheFUCK.com!!