Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 910
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Children are like poems. They're beautiful - to their creators - but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
When a girl’s a screamer during sex, she’s either positive or negative. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” or the complete opposite, “No! No! No!” Just once, I want to hear a girl right in the middle. “Maybe! Maybe! Maybe!”
If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
People in Iceland must be into some pretty freaky shit if they can't find a single virgin to throw into that volcano.
You know, I live a monastic lifestyle. No, I do. I do live in extremes, basically. I go back and forth. Once every six months, I'll have a day where I eat more chocolate than has ever been consumed by a human being.
I would visualize things coming to me. It would just make me feel better. Visualization works if you work hard. That's the thing. You can't just visualize and go eat a sandwich.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!