Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 909

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I’m the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.

Comedy is a group activity, a verbal orgy.

Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

You are a shit head, but I can make you feel like you’re not the only shit head.

I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.

With a cheery delicacy she divided my obsessions into three categories: acceptable, unacceptable, and hilarious.

Weirdo. Weirdo. Underachiever. Weirdo. Weirdo.

I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.

It's funny because it's funny.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.

I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.

Several weeks ago, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared without explanation for five days. Now of course, as it turns out, he didn't really disappear. It turns out he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Which is a trail that starts in Maine and ends in an Argentine woman's vagina.

[Worst Thing to Hear Over a Tannoy System] Ladies and gentlemen, we all know there will be a bomb on the Tube… but will it be today?

Everybody thinks Italian guys are dumb. Cause we sound like Rocky when we talk. But we’re not dumb, we’re just a little slower. That’s why we always repeat the question. We’re just buying time. Like, “Correale, what did you do today?” “What did I do today?”