Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 909

Hey, here's a tip for you: The next time you have the world by the balls, don't twist them.

You break up with us, we get drunk and then stand on your lawn, and then a cop comes. I'll be like, 'Oh, this is over! I get it. It's over. Gotcha.'

You can’t make something beautiful by trying to make something beautiful. Something becomes beautiful in the process of trying to be something else.

Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a "with" in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.

I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

We had the real rednecks where I grew up. The kind of guys that can use the N-word and “Jesus” in the same sentence and mean ‘em both.

Ladies gotta say no to their husbands at the movies. They gotta say: “No, we are watching back-to-back cancer movies. And then this movie about a cat.”

There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you "Joe" and that's it!

I view a visit to the therapist in much the same way that I view a visit to the hairdresser. When I leave the office, my head looks great. Around an hour later it’s all fucked up and I can’t get it to look that way again on my own.

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material."I can't look at the old tapes now.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too".