Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 909

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

Baloney is just salami with an inferiority complex.

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.

You know, I live a monastic lifestyle. No, I do. I do live in extremes, basically. I go back and forth. Once every six months, I'll have a day where I eat more chocolate than has ever been consumed by a human being.

I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.

If you can remember the sixties, you weren't there.

Buddha, much like everyone else has good and bad days.

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

I have so little sex appeal my gynaecologist calls me "sir".

Apparently the only way to avoid a sudden agonising death, is to walk around in tights with a bottle of vinegar. I'd rather be fucking dead!

If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.

But the two of them together, broke my heart. Olympia and Peter, those scenes... When they're kissing in their 20s and then kissing in their 70s, that's what it is. And they had never met five minutes before they shot those scenes.

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.